Parent Coaching and Relational Aggression: Case Study Part Three: Session Two

This is my favorite part of the coaching cycle--the discovery session.  This is a chance to talk about and celebrate the many strengths of the family!    

Celia was very excited.  I could tell this from her voice and her eagerness to fill me in on the week.  She had gotten a chance to talk to her son about the bullying in his past.   He conveyed that he hadn't told her, not out of a lack of trust, but rather because it was something he thought he could sort out by himself. 

 He told Celia that he always felt that she was very open and that he could talk to her about anything.   His girlfriend took part in this conversation and told Celia that she was amazed at how caring she was and also that she is constantly striving to be a good parent.   

It was clear, that the conversation had enriched her relationship with her son and also with his girlfriend.  Plus, it was a huge relief to not be wondering why her son hadn't turned to her in his time of need.   This gave her hope that her fears about her daughter shutting the door to communication may not come to fruition.

As I found out the strengths of each family member, the family as a whole, and the supportive people in their world, I found myself amazed and honored to be coaching Celia.   In fact, there hasn't been a single discovery session where I haven't had this huge feeling of honor to be working in this way with parents. 

  Celia told me that Elaine had a huge amount of strengths to draw from and was very resilient.  I think it was very delightful and empowering for Celia to delve into the amazing strengths of her daughter, Elaine.

At the end of our call, I asked Celia again about the strengths she had found within to be such a wonderful parent when she hadn't had a model for it.   She said that because of her challenges, she had to parent very consciously.  She went to classes, took in a lot of information and tried to create her own family rituals.   

I wanted Celia to really embrace her strengths, so I gave her a homework assignment to

really embody her ability to persevere and thrive despite some challenges in early childhood.  I wanted her to really take notice of this and celebrate herself.  

In our next session, I will share with you the creation of Celia's dream.

Dance Moms (and Dads)!

My Dance Moms and Dads!

I'm sure some of you have seen the show Dance Moms.  The moms sit outside the studio glaring at each other, competing with each other and each one thinking that their child is the best dancer of all.   Ugh!

My child has been dancing since she was two.  Just like the Dance Moms on television,  I have logged my time sitting in a dance studio watching my child leap, spin and stretch.   


However, unlike the show Dance Moms, my fellow watchers (both moms and dads with an occasional grandparent thrown in) are a fun and sympathetic lot.   I have cried, laughed, complained about my child, had some of my greatest parenting challenges laid out for discussion and, best of all, enjoyed watching EACH child dance and move in their own unique way.  

Isn't this a better vision?


Love my dance moms and dads!!!

Children and Stress: The Reset Button and Simplicty Parenting

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This picture depicts our feelings after the busy holiday season.  After Hanukkah, Advent, Christmas and New Years Eve, we were exhausted.

 

We are still paying the price.  

 

Going back to school after the holiday season, Mira has been off.  All the signs we are seeing have led my husband and I to believe that she is suffering from stress.   

 

The stress could be related to many things--job changes in our family, an upcoming trip to Europe, looking for schools for kindergarten,  too many things on our plate.  But, if you ask my opinion,   I think a lot of it stems from coming down from the busy holiday season.   I have noticed that many of my friends are in the same boat.  

 

One friend of mine talked about setting a "Reset" button.  I LOVE that concept. 

 

And that's exactly what we've doing--spending WAY more time at home, cutting down on our schedule and trying to be as peaceful and serene as is possible.    We are already seeing the stress level go way down.  

 

I was telling another friend about our recent family stresses and she suggested I read the book   Simplicity Parenting  by Kim John Payne and Lisa Ross.  

 

I felt a huge sense of calm as I read the first chapter of the book.    I also, admittedly, felt a sense of shame (a parent coach with a stressed out child--gasp).   

 

 Our life is filled with too much stuff, too much of everything--toys, social engagements, activities.   In part, this is because of my own personality and that I thrive on activity and busyness.  But, on a good note,  I am always striving for balance and this book helped me see that the holiday season put us way off kilter.     It helped me see the need to simplify while ALSO honoring my love of activity.     I am not going to be a simple person or parent, it is just not my personality, but I can still become very conscious of the daily choices we make.   

 

One of the best concepts in the book is that you can always RESET.  What this means is that any time you have a child of any age who is suffering from stress (no matter the age), take three days to be with them.  No school.  No sports.  Nothing but enjoyable time with the family.  This can reset any stresses and also has the added benefit of time--so that some of the things stressing out your child may come out naturally over the course of those three days.  

 

I am definitely tucking this one into my brain and I hope we will use this strategy often.    

 

Below you will see the website that has more resources on Simplicity Parenting and of course a link to the book.   

 

I would love to hear from you.  Has your child had challenges recovering from the busy holiday season?  What do you think of Simplicity Parenting.

 

 

 

http://www.simplicityparenting.com/

 

 

 

To Overschedule or Not--that is the question

One thing I find myself thinking about a lot is overscheduling my child.  

It's a tough issue in today's busy world.

Before you read this post, I want to confess that this is an issue that I haven't figured out yet.  

You see, I LOVE being overscheduled.  I thrive on it.  I  love activities  and lots of them.   There is nothing more exciting to me than signing Mira up for a new class, something new to introduce her to in the world.

I'm serious.

I want her to be well rounded and adventurous.  But more than that, it's just the trill of knowing that she'll get to try something new for the first time.

But the first question is, um, what to choose:   My community has a well-developed and amazing dance program (plus those little four year olds in tutus are so adorable), so that seems a given.  Swimming is VERY important, more of a life skill.  Music is important for brain development and so is art.  Soccer builds hand eye coordination.   And aren't you supposed to learn language young?

Then there are the activities Mira begs for.--  "Mom I want to take gymnastics, please oh please."   

To top it all off, my professional self believes it is "bad" to overschedule kids.

I know that I am talking about my four year old, but this is something that all parents I know struggle with.  The age old question:  free time vs.  scheduled time.  

Have you noticed, for instance, that the demands of being on a soccer team are VERY different than from when we were kids, especially if they are on a travelling soccer team (did we even have that when we were kids?).   There is an ethos that you absolutely don't let down the team, even when grandma is in town.   If there is one thing I have learned from running mom/daughter programs on weekends--soccer trumps everything.

How do we as parents handle this and find an appropriate balance?  Gloria DeGatano, the head of the Parent Coaching International and also an expert in the field of brain compatible parenting believes that children need free time (and lots of it) in order to learn to think, imagine and problem solve.  

I know some people let their child choose one or two things to do each semester (I admire those parents).   Other people have their children doing a ton of activities at a frantic pace (I fear I have a natural leaning towards the latter).   

I think I will always be walking the balance.  Checking in with myself and my daughter to see what's a good fit in terms of activities and what feels like too much.    I will be always wishing there was more time in the day to do more, see more and experience more. And I will wonder, for example,  if I am robbing my daughter of the spirit of the team when I see cute pictures of the kids her age playing soccer in the rain (something we didn't pick to do this time around).

I recently learned of a concept called scheduling "white noise time."  What this means is time that is left free.  When that time comes up in your calendar, you can do anything--take a nap, work on a project, play.    I also read somewhere to make sure you have a period in your week where your children are home with no set agenda for at least three hours.  When you are particularly busy, make sure you have this time to balance it out.  And, in case you are wondering, that three hour stretch of time should not be television time.   At first your child may be beside themselves looking for something to do or pulling on your shirt sleeves wanting you to engage.  However, my experience has been that after a while my child settles into her own play and her imagination sky rockets.  

I know that no matter how busy we get and how full our life is of activities, I am always going to off-set it with "white noise time."

What are your thoughts on overscheduling and how do you handle it?  I really want to know.  

Cracking open our private screen worlds

I went through a period of time where I used to get almost jealous when my husband Steve would be deeply engaged with his screen.  I'd wonder where he was and what he was doing--what alternate reality he was visiting?    Was it better or more interesting than our relationship?  I'd gaze over his shoulder to see, full of curiosity,  and this would irritate him.

At my book club last night, it turned out that I'm not the only one.   We were talking about technology and how weird it is that one can be present but also totally immersed in a different reality.   This can be frustrating for a relationship.     (any relationship--husband/wife; parent/pre-teen).

It's almost like we exist in two planes--the physical and the technical.   I may be serving Mira breakfast while looking up the history of the real Downton Abbey on Wikpedia.    Half of me is home, the other half in England in the 1920's.  

My friend had a great idea and I wanted to share it with you!   She is attempting to get everyone in the family to verbalize their computer use.   Using her idea, I would say to Mira,  "I am feeling really curious about what it's like to live in a castle and I'm looking it up on my computer."  Steve might say to me,  "I'm checking out some new music sites I discovered".    Your pre-teen may say to you, "I'm texting with some friends from my soccer team".   

This idea also fits in very well with brain research.   In my parent coaching class we are learning that one way to handle all this technology is to ask questions while your child is watching television or soon after.  This way, you are engaging a different part of the brain and helping to keep things sharp.   This is not to say that your child should sit around watching television all day, but simply that the more we engage and are active viewers (rather than passive), the healthier it is for brain development.

According to my friend, this has brought way more pleasure to family life and I am really excited to try it out over here.

The Parent Coaching Institute: Media as the Third Parent

I am well on my way to becoming a parent coach!    This semester our class is entitled Supporting Moms and Dads to Parent Well in a Media Age.

The main point of the class is that there are many new skills that parents must utilize in todays day and age.  Media is almost playing the role of a third parent, and one that only cares about making big bucks, not really about the health and welfare of your child.

So, hmmm, what to do?   Do you ever feel like media has control of your family rather than the other way around?  Picture this:

I am in Chicago visiting my sisters for Thanksgiving, always a very special time.    Before dinner, this is what's going on:   My brother in-law and his brother are watching the football game on the large screen television in the living room.  My mom and dad are sitting side by side on the couch playing words with friends and sort-of watching the game too.   Down in the basement, newly decked out for the teenagers, my sixth grade niece and nephew are playing a war video game.Neither of them are allowed to play it, but in the excitement of the holiday no one has noticed.  Upstairs in the attic a bunch of famiy members, including my three year old, are having a dance contest on the Wii.  Nearby, another niece is working on her college applications on her laptop.   My husband is trying to talk to his children (my step-children) on his cell phone. but is having trouble with the reception.  I am wondering if my favorite show, Project Runway, will be on this evening and if we will have time after dinner to see it.  

This is the world we live in, very different from ten years ago or even five years ago.  My husband, a preschool teacher, is starting to see (what we think are) the results of this high-tech lifestyle--more and more kids that are unfocused and unable to pay attention.  

Gloria DeGaetano, my professor at The Parent Coaching Institute http://www.thepci.com/ is an expert in this topic and her book is a great foray into understanding the many ways that media can effect brain development.    She also shares many ideas as to how to parent well in this media age.

Through the website you can also find a coach (but more on that later!) to help you make decisions around media that are best for your famiy.   

Book of the Day: The Whole-Brain Child

The parent educator in my community is starting a parenting book club.  I love this idea because it's a way to focus on the wisdom of just one book at a time (instead of dog-earring many).    The first book is entitled   The Whole-Brain Child:  12 Revolutionary Strategies to Nurture Your Child's Developing Mind by Daniel J. Siegel M.D. and Tina Payne Bryson, Ph.D. 

Thus far, I am LOVING it.   Basically, the gist is, that our left brain is the logical side (as we all know).  It's the part that says,  "but mom you said I could. . ."    The right brain is the less logical, artsy, emotional side.    "Jane was mean to me,  I am never going back to school, ever ever ever."    As we all know, the pre-teen years can seem like a never-ending flood of the right brain emotions.   

The authors give the metaphor of a river (and I love river metaphors!).   On one bank is the logical side, on the other is the emotional side.  We want to integrate the two of them and help our children and clients to integrate the two sides.  If we crash up against one side or the other we are either too rigid or too emotional and neither of these extremes are the best for the brain.

In my job as a School Counselor I noticed that there were three styles that teachers had in working with relational aggression in the classroom.   Some teachers wanted to help girls handle every friendship issue, small and large.  After recess they'd be out in the hallway helping the girls to sort through it all and letting the emotions tumble out.   Often this would make things worse and the teacher would then have no idea how to move on from this emotional state to actual teaching.  The second style is the teacher that doesn't deal with friendship issues at all.  There is no time or energy given to whatever goes on in the playground.   The girls are left with bottled up feelings and no way to release them.  The third style is a teacher that does a little bit of both.  They help girls manage their feelings (or send them to the appropriate adult like the School Counselor), but they also create a safe classroom structure where the flood of feelings can not go on indefinitely.   I don't know exactly how these teachers do it, maybe it's just an intuitive art, but to me the middle of the road is the best--and now I know why.  Without knowing it, these teachers are gently guiding their students back to the middle of the river.   

This book mirrors the idea of John Gottman's Emotion Coaching   http://www.gottman.com/ where you first connect with a child's feelings and then move into problem solving.    In other words, you meet them right brain to right brain first.  


Thus far, I highly recommend this book.    I can't wait to get to the 12 strategies!

http://www.wholebrainchild.com/

Dan Siegel's Ted Talk Video:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Nu7wEr8AnHw

Dan Siegel's Mindsight Institute (for adults I think):

https://www.mindsightinstitute.com/

http://drdansiegel.com/

Tina Bryson's great blog: (answers lots of questions)

http://tinabryson.com/articles-blog/