Parent Coaching and Relational Aggression: Case Study Part Two: Session One

This session is the Intake.   The main task of the Intake session is to get more information on the problems and challenges.   I asked questions that help clarify the challenges and dig a little deeper.  By the end of our chat I had a deeper understanding of what the bullying looked like, how Celia, Elaine and Elaine's dad Sam dealt with it, and also how various teachers had helped (or NOT helped).  

Another thing that came up in our session is that Celia also has a grown son from her first marriage.  Although the son is a star athlete and a very compassionate and amazing man, he did reveal to his mother that he had been teased as a child over his weight.  He hadn't told her about it back then.   This really sat with Celia.  She wondered why and worried that she somehow wasn't approachable.  Would Elaine come to her in the darker moments?
 
I also do something which I call LISTENING FOR STRENGTHS.   

It is one of the best things I've learned in my parent coaching program.   There is always amazing things in every situation.  To listen for and point out these strengths, without ignoring the challenges of course, can already get the change process rolling.   Parenting is rife with experts telling you what you are doing wrong, so the focus on what you are genuinely doing right is kind-of amazing!

Celia made this task VERY easy.   She mentioned that she and her husband loved sailing, but that their daughter did not enjoy this activity and often stayed with a friend while they went sailing.  They both realized that, despite their joy of sailing, they did not want their final years with their daughter at home to be focused on an activity that their daughter didn't enjoy.  They sold their sailboat and bought a camper.  They enjoyed many summer adventures as a family and sometimes Elaine even brought along a friend.   

I thought this was a great example of the way that Celia and her husband Sam made family life a priority and created a safe and nurturing environment for their daughter.

Celia also explained that she had a very difficult upbringing, even spending time in the foster care system.   I appreciated her telling me this, but I also took note that this was something to talk about later---how did Celia become such an amazing parent when she didn't have positive role models growing up?


Finally, Celia said something that was amazing to me.  Although a group of girls had been mean to her daughter consistently through grade school and middle school, Celia hoped that Elaine could move on from this.  Her hope wasn't for Elaine to get revenge or to show them up, but rather that she grow in compassion and be open to the idea that people can change.   

Wow, in my opinion that is super mature.   I don't know if I would be able to have such an open and non-judgemental outlook if it was my daughter being bullied.  

I assigned Celia a homework assignment (usually in the form of a suggestion).   I asked her if she would be willing to talk to her son and get more information from him.   I thought it might help her to find out, from the adult perspective, why he did not come to her for help when he was a teenager.