Mira and the Birthday Party

On our way to a birthday party this weekend, my three year old was chattering about the slip and slide that she knew awaited her.  She couldn't wait to try it.  We pulled into the driveway and saw about 20 kids merrily playing in the water.  

My daughter said in a matter-of-fact way,  "Mommy, I don't want to try the slip and slide."   My inclination was to say,  "but you were so excited.  Why not?"    I had to remind myself that my daughter is not one to jump right into social situations.    For me, huge groups of people are exciting and energizing, but for my husband and child, huge groups are overwhelming. 

For the next hour, my daughter stayed by my side.  I made several failed attempts to try and get her to play with some other kids, my thought being that if I helped set it up it would pave the way.  

Finally, the party was nearing the end.  Families were starting to leave and---of course---my child started playing.   Soon we were down to three kids--Mira, Zea, and Lucy.   The atmosphere was relaxed and way quieter.  The three kids played for two more hours--splashing, giggling and having so much fun!!!  

I've been thinking about this ever since.  What does it have to do with pre-teens?   Hmmmm?  I think that it's a reminder that for many kids  social scenes can be overwhelming and scary.    I think we all still have that little kid in us when we walk into something new and different.    Even though I am an extrovert and not shy at all, I do have a split second where I wonder if there will be anyone to talk to at the party.  Will people be friendly?  Will I feel accepted?   

I think that is one reason why kids are likely to find a best friend.  It's just easier that way.  You don't have to search for someone to talk to and connect with.   

I think also as parents it's important to notice how your child enters situations.  Does he/she take a while to warm up? Does he/she need an adult to help at first?    Does he/she do better in smaller groups?

I think there's a lot to be said for one-on-one play or play with a very small group of kids.  I am trying to create that more for my daughter because I see that one-on-one play is very different from large group play.  One-on-one, she seems to make real connections.  In a group, she still parallel plays or hangs off to the side.

Interestingly,at the same time that I have been thinking about this, someone posted some articles on Facebook about introverted children.   These articles are FANTASTIC.    


http://parentingfromscratch.wordpress.com/2012/07/12/things-to-know-about-introverted-children/

http://m.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2003/03/caring-for-your-introvert/2696/

Book Review: Speak

Speak
Laurie Halse Anderson
Square Fish (1999)

Audience:   Parents and teenagers.  Mature theme: rape

Yesterday, I had a few free moments away from my three year old and wandered into a book store that had a table of book selections from the local high school.    I bought Speak and finished it yesterday evening.   I thought it was great and I am so glad that it is one of the selections for high school students to read and discuss.  

Laurie Halse Anderson wrote a lovely poem at the beginning of this edition of the book.  She says that over the years, thousands of girls have contacted her with their own painful stories--be it rape, feeling invisible, cutting, not having a group, dealing with fractured families.  

What I thought the author did such a great job with was depicting how it can happen that this young girl is so completely broken inside and no one realizes.   For that reason, I think it's a great book for parents to read--a reminder to really be noticing those subtle cues that our children give us.  

There is also a movie version starring Kristen Stewart (before she was famous) that is supposed to be good.   It's not on netflix.  If anyone knows where you can see it, leave a post. 

Here's one possiblity:  http://www.watchthisfree.com/search/quick/

The Boy/Man You're Supposed to Be: Maxim Magazine

One day at the gym I picked up an issue of Maxim magazine (they have a pretty lame selection of mags at my gym).  I had no idea that this magazine even existed and thought I may find some good or insightful articles within.   Instead, what I found is a magazine filled with words, images, ideas and thoughts that give a very narrow description of what it means to be male.

Here's some examples followed by the message:

JOKE--A guy driving on the highway gets pulled over by a traffic cop.  The policeman approaches the car and asks, "Have you been drinking, sir?" The man snorts and relies, "Why is there a fat chick in my car?"


MESSAGE:  Men only like women who are thin (which being a curvy woman myself I can say is simply not true).


LAST TIME I CRIED WAS: I don't cry.  I'm a man.  I weep.  About once a week.

MESSAGE:  Men don't cry (grrrr. . . this one makes me especially mad.   Crying is such a natural process--geez).

MAXIM OFFICE ASSISTANT:  I'm not sure if this is real or not, but they hire a sexy woman to work at the office in her underwear and bring the alcohol.  

MESSAGE:  Women are there to work for the guys and they are always sexy.      (it's kind-of like porn without really saying it's porn.  In fact, in some ways it's more porn than porn--because there's a lot of suggestion).


All in all, here's the Maxim version of a real man:   They definitely drink a lot, love crude jokes, have a motorcycle, love skinny women who have expectations that there men will be traditional (opening doors etc.), love appliances like grills, and are,  for the most part, white.

I'm trying to not be judgemental, but what if you are young and not that guy?  I think a lot of men are much more sensitive than the Maxim man, but they are up against some  pretty strong cultural norms.

Just like my desire for girls to have a lot of space for many different ways of being, it is also my desire for boys.   I hate the cultural implication that there is only one way to be a man.  I know, I know--if you are not that man, just don't read Maxim, but it's more complicated than that.   These are the messages that boys are bombarded with at an early age and so many boys don't fit into this narrow definition. 

I Just Wanna Dance

A few days ago I attended an ecstatic dance session.   What is ecstatic dance you may ask?  Here's a great description:  

Ecstatic dance is about letting go of these now self-imposed restrictions. It is a setting aside of the intellect and all it's concepts of how not to move. It is an opening to new ways to express oneself in movement, to explore the world again, to have that passion once more, that love of life that you once had as a child. This dance is not a structured dance that follows a certain form. It is not taught really, but rather invited. It is an invitation to explore different rhythms, patterns and movements. It is an invitation to listen to your own body, which now becomes the teacher. It is an invitation to tap into that internal wisdom of how to express yourself through the body. It is about finding your own dance from within.  http://www.movingartsnetwork.com/article/what-is-ecstatic-dance.html


I was greeted by the facilitator, a sweet older woman in a flowing dress.   About eight other women were there.  I was definitely the youngest in attendance.  The local park's exercise room had been transformed by turning the lights off and lighting up the room with Orange Christmas lights.  

The facilitator played amazing music and we all started to dance around.  It was fun and freeing!   All of a sudden, out of the corner of my eye, I saw a boy I know walk into the room.  He was wearing sports clothes and I know him to be an excellent athlete, so I assumed that he must be coming in from a basketball game to get a drink of water or something of that nature.

Instead, much to my amazement, he signed into the class, was greeted warmly by the other participants and started to dance.   I danced up next to him and said,  "what are you doing here?"  That was a pretty dumb thing to say, especially because I am so into authenticity and full expression of the teenage self.  I guess I must have stereotyped him, without even thinking about it, as a popular athletic kid who wouldn't be caught dead at an ecstatic dance class with a bunch of older women.   How wrong I was.

He said,  "I Just Wanna Dance!"

The boy danced hard and with gusto!   It was delightful, but soon I was lost in my own dancing and didn't even notice.

At the end of the session, we made a circle, held hands and thanked everyone.   We had a special round of applause for the boy and appreciation for the great energy he added to the dance.  

Afterwards he and I chatted and I told him about my surprise and how glad I was to see him there.   We talked about how so many kids his age feel uncomfortable dancing and he told me how much he loves it.   

As the moving arts network says:

Now, socially acceptable behavior has its place in getting along with others. But if it happens at the cost of losing out on the joys of expressing oneself, then this is something worth addressing. The wisdom of the body is still there waiting to be tapped. But that wisdom is overshadowed by the concepts and ideas we accept as adults. Ideas such as "I can't dance", "I am too uncoordinated", "I will look silly", "I have to look cool", "I am too (fat, skinny, old, young, whatever, etc)". These are just the internalized adult versions of earlier scoldings to "be still".
If you have yet to try it, ecstatic dancing is something to be checked out--young, old, male, female.  It's pretty special!

Camp Nebagamon: A place where boys thrive

I have been wanting to re-start up my Creative Crossings blog for a while now and what better time than today!   I have become very interested in switching the focus of my business to helping pre-teens (both boys and girls) celebrate their authentic selves.

What is the authentic self?    To me, it's fully expressing who you are--allowing yourself to be smart, funny, have a crazy laugh, dance wildly or whatever it is that makes you feel free and happy.

This blog is aimed at parents and educators in regards to working with pre-teen boys and girls (from grade 3 to grade 8).  But it is my hope that it will also help you to think about your own life in new ways.  I know many adults, myself included, who are also struggling to be authentic.


   My nephew Noah is attending Camp Nebagamon this summer in Wisconsin.  The focus is on letting boys choose their own activities and NOT on competition (though  it sounds like they do have some fun and goofy competitions).   "We care not whether a boy is proficient at serving a tennis ball, cooking an omelet, or paddling a canoe. Our goal for every camper is that he enjoys participating, achieves competency, and feels a sense of accomplishment."


The director of the camp, Adam, writes a newsletter.   I read it every year and cry at his postings.    Why?  I think Adam is doing the work of helping boys be authentic.   There is something tender about this camp and I think it's a magical place. Away from the rigors of school and competition, something different can happen.   As one parent says,  This is a thinking camp where you do as much mental exercise as physical. It is an environment where you can emote, express yourself, learn to talk about friendship, honor, dedication, while being yourself and maintaining your individuality."


Obviously not every boy can afford this camp, but here's a link to Adam's newsletter!  I think in reading his newsletter, one can see what an authentic community in action looks like.  Happy reading.
http://nebagamon.wordpress.com/