Top Ten Tips for Families Dealing with Relational Aggression
For an article in Seattle Women's Magazine, the writer asked me for my top ten list for parents. Here it is!
PEGGY’S TOP TEN TIPS FOR FAMILIES DEALING WITH RELATIONAL AGGRESSION
Please keep in mind that these tips are for the majority of relational aggression incidents occurring at the elementary and middle levels, including shifting alliances, rumors, gossip, hurt feelings, being left out, someone telling your child who they can or can’t be friends with, etc. If the Relational Aggression is taken a step further and your daughter is the target of constant bullying and/or destructive acts of violence, contact the Police or the School Administrators.
1. Walk the fine line between listening, supporting, and giving your daughter ideas as to how to handle the situation, while at the same time let her own the problem. (In other words, don’t call the other family, don’t threaten the child, don’t let your own hurt feelings rule. Although this may be your natural response, it is usually not helpful and often makes the situation worse.)
2. Although it may seem trivial to you, understand that for your daughter, this situation probably feels huge and overwhelming. Try to guess how she may be feeling: left out, sad, rejected, etc. At the same time, respect the fact that your daughter may not want to talk about this with you. It’s also helpful to build up her support system, so there are several adult females in her life (Aunts, Grandparents, Friends, etc.) that she can turn to in times of need.
3. Create a safe place at home—this may be your daughter’s sanctuary when the rest of her life isn’t feeling so great. This may include time spent alone with your daughter, NOT talking about friends (giving her a break), fun family time, and also watching out for your own use of Relational Aggression. Your daughter is listening to you.
4. Likewise, be careful about media—text messages and social networking sites. Most experts recommend that computers be in public places in the house. If your daughter is being cyber-bullied, print it out and bring it to the School Counselor or School Administrators.
5. Encourage your daughter to have other friends or activities that do not include school friends. Jodee Blano, the author of Please, Stop Laughing at Us, uses the mantra—One Town Over.
6. Use the school as an ally. It isn’t okay for a school to say—“that’s just how girls are.” Relational Aggression is a form of bullying and schools have to address both bullying and harassment incidents. However, often it is difficult to figure out what is really going on with Relational Aggression because it is so covert. Don’t blame the school, but do get them on board. School Counselors can work wonders in helping to ease the tension.
7. Be open to the fact that your child may be less innocent than you think. Often the relational aggression is a little more two-sided than it initially appears. Remember, that all the girls are learning about relationships and there is a lot of pressure on girls to make hurtful choices. If your child makes a poor choice, use it as a learning tool.
8. Read Odd Girl Out by Rachel Simmons (for adults) and My Secret Bully by Trudy Ludwig (for girls ages 1st-6th grade). There are also many other books and websites that address this issue, including my website/blog www.creative-crossings.com
9. Help your daughter find more positive empowering outlets—such as helping others, volunteering, or engaging in activities for girls such as Passages Northwest outdoor programs, Powerful Voices, Girls on the Run, Creative Crossings mother/daughter events. Or start a mom/daughter book club. There are a lot of programs out there that support girls in positive ways and many of them offer scholarships.
10. Don’t buy into the idea that this is just what girls do. Create some family rules early on about being nice to each other. For example, “In our family, we play with everyone.” If your child has a birthday party, be careful about how they hand out invitations.
PEGGY’S TOP TEN TIPS FOR FAMILIES DEALING WITH RELATIONAL AGGRESSION
Please keep in mind that these tips are for the majority of relational aggression incidents occurring at the elementary and middle levels, including shifting alliances, rumors, gossip, hurt feelings, being left out, someone telling your child who they can or can’t be friends with, etc. If the Relational Aggression is taken a step further and your daughter is the target of constant bullying and/or destructive acts of violence, contact the Police or the School Administrators.
1. Walk the fine line between listening, supporting, and giving your daughter ideas as to how to handle the situation, while at the same time let her own the problem. (In other words, don’t call the other family, don’t threaten the child, don’t let your own hurt feelings rule. Although this may be your natural response, it is usually not helpful and often makes the situation worse.)
2. Although it may seem trivial to you, understand that for your daughter, this situation probably feels huge and overwhelming. Try to guess how she may be feeling: left out, sad, rejected, etc. At the same time, respect the fact that your daughter may not want to talk about this with you. It’s also helpful to build up her support system, so there are several adult females in her life (Aunts, Grandparents, Friends, etc.) that she can turn to in times of need.
3. Create a safe place at home—this may be your daughter’s sanctuary when the rest of her life isn’t feeling so great. This may include time spent alone with your daughter, NOT talking about friends (giving her a break), fun family time, and also watching out for your own use of Relational Aggression. Your daughter is listening to you.
4. Likewise, be careful about media—text messages and social networking sites. Most experts recommend that computers be in public places in the house. If your daughter is being cyber-bullied, print it out and bring it to the School Counselor or School Administrators.
5. Encourage your daughter to have other friends or activities that do not include school friends. Jodee Blano, the author of Please, Stop Laughing at Us, uses the mantra—One Town Over.
6. Use the school as an ally. It isn’t okay for a school to say—“that’s just how girls are.” Relational Aggression is a form of bullying and schools have to address both bullying and harassment incidents. However, often it is difficult to figure out what is really going on with Relational Aggression because it is so covert. Don’t blame the school, but do get them on board. School Counselors can work wonders in helping to ease the tension.
7. Be open to the fact that your child may be less innocent than you think. Often the relational aggression is a little more two-sided than it initially appears. Remember, that all the girls are learning about relationships and there is a lot of pressure on girls to make hurtful choices. If your child makes a poor choice, use it as a learning tool.
8. Read Odd Girl Out by Rachel Simmons (for adults) and My Secret Bully by Trudy Ludwig (for girls ages 1st-6th grade). There are also many other books and websites that address this issue, including my website/blog www.creative-crossings.com
9. Help your daughter find more positive empowering outlets—such as helping others, volunteering, or engaging in activities for girls such as Passages Northwest outdoor programs, Powerful Voices, Girls on the Run, Creative Crossings mother/daughter events. Or start a mom/daughter book club. There are a lot of programs out there that support girls in positive ways and many of them offer scholarships.
10. Don’t buy into the idea that this is just what girls do. Create some family rules early on about being nice to each other. For example, “In our family, we play with everyone.” If your child has a birthday party, be careful about how they hand out invitations.
posted by Peggy300 at
9:35 AM
3 Comments:
This is so great! Simple and actionable. I heard a great interview on NPR today, with the author of "The Curse of the Good Girl". Glad to be raising my girl in an era where we can talk about this kind of thing, where it's in the open.
Thanks for the help. Some of the things my daughter tells me about what is being said to her seem so trivial . . . but it is apparent that it is affecting her school work. We have talked to the teacher, he has not been around for 90% of the incidents. It is covert. It is very frustrating for us as parents that this other child continues to behave inappropriately.
I believe that parent interactions play a large role in relational aggression in school. Too often, parents are making inappropriate comments about other parents and children, which gives their own children "license" to be disrespectful to these students at school. Also, when parents refuse to speak to each other to work on an issue, it teaches their children this method of NOT problem-solving.
In most, if not all, issues I have dealt with, virtually every single parent goes into a defensive mode as soon as he/she is contacted by the school due to a relationship issue. Parents minimize or completely absolve their children from any poor choices, while throwing everyone else's children under the bus.
Instead of trying to use these situations as teachable moments to improve their children's future relationships, they become teachable moments in how to avoid responsibility for one's actions.
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