I have seen education waves come and go. There's lingo that suddenly is all the rage and then it fades out and something new takes it place. Keep in mind this isn't based on history, just what I remember from my 15 years as a School Counselor. (I didn't usually attend reading workshops and inservices, so this is just from an outsider's view).
First there was Accelerated Reader. Suddenly some books had an AR label--such as 4.5 (4th grade, 5th month). A student would read books and take a quiz afterwards. Kids would know their reading level--like "I'm a 4", or" I'm a 3.2." Students would want to read AR books because then they could take a quiz and get prizes.
Then suddenly, Accelerated Reading took off like wildfire. I remember that one school I was at took the summer to completely level the library. Leveling books means that every book in the library had a label on it as to its reading level. Accelerated Books and Leveling are no longer trending because now they are just part of most schools.
The new trend though is helping kids find "Just Right" books. A JUST RIGHT book is perfect because it is challenging enough to help the student learn new vocabulary and yet not so challenging that it will frustrate the student.
It makes a lot of sense, but another part of me just wants to puke when I hear over and over again, "choose a Just Right book." I know it works and is researched-based and all that---but it seems to me that it has the potential to take something away from the love of reading. After all, think of all those first graders reading the entire Harry Potter series--way beyond their "just right" level.
As for us, I see many reading lists for young kids and they are divided into the following categories: Babies, Toddlers, Preschoolers. It's semi-ridiculous because we regularly read books from all three categories. In fact, many of the books I have reviewed in this blog, would never be on a list for toddlers.
Tune into the next blog posting to see how Mirette reads both up past her :Just Right" level and down below her "Just Right" level and how we have FUN with excursions into both extremes.
Monday, November 14, 2011
Saturday, July 17, 2010
My first look.
We were driving and my daughter was tired and restless. Since I was in the back seat, I kept giving her toys to play with, hoping to engage her for a few more minutes. Finally, we all decided that we needed to stop engaging her, so that she could fall asleep. We did this knowing that there would be a brief period of crying before she transitioned into sleep. As we suspected, she started crying. I tried to ignore her by looking out the window or twiddling my thumbs. (It is VERY hard to ignore a crying baby!) Finally, I looked up at her and there it was — my first GLARE. I was horrified. My loving, sweet baby girl was looking at me with hate in her eyes. "Steve," I said to my husband, "our daughter just gave me my first mad look." He reached back to give my hand a squeeze and said lovingly, "There will be many more of those." Before long, my daughter was sound asleep. She awoke an hour later with a huge smile on her face and pounced into my arms with a giggle, all anger forgotten. Phew! I survived my first glare!
A girl I know!
I am the School Counselor at a small school in the Seattle area. Once a week I have an open lunch for any 5th or 6th grade girl that wants to attend. One day, my regulars were gossiping and my relational aggression radar went off — something big was going down. They told me that there was this girl who had moved to the school, became instantly really popular, and was now kicked out of the group. All her friends hated her. I asked the teacher what was going on and she confirmed that there was a lot of "stuff" going on in her classroom and she was really having a hard time dealing with all of it. (I didn't work with this particular teacher and didn't know a lot of her students except for the few that came to lunch each week.)
The next week, my regulars attended with the said girl in tow. I was expecting her to be down in the dumps. She told the group that her friends had indeed abandoned her, but that she had moved on. As far as I could tell, this girl was relatively mellow considering what had gone on. I wondered to myself what traits this girl may possess that helped her keep her sense of self-esteem in the face of major friendship upheavals. She's kind-of my hero. When I was her age, my self-esteem crumbled under similar circumstances. It's nice to see instances where a girl can take these kinds of situations with a grain of salt. One of the main goals of Creative Crossings is to help tough friendship issues become not so much of a crisis. I was very impressed with her handling of the situation and wondered if it came in part from having older friends outside of school who were able to offer her a bigger perspective. Regardless, as usually happens, she made up with the "popular" girls and still kept the new friends she had made. It was lovely to see this girl laughing and being goofy with both her old friends and her new friends — filled with confidence and radiance. I loved watching it and felt that many girls could learn a lot from her!
The next week, my regulars attended with the said girl in tow. I was expecting her to be down in the dumps. She told the group that her friends had indeed abandoned her, but that she had moved on. As far as I could tell, this girl was relatively mellow considering what had gone on. I wondered to myself what traits this girl may possess that helped her keep her sense of self-esteem in the face of major friendship upheavals. She's kind-of my hero. When I was her age, my self-esteem crumbled under similar circumstances. It's nice to see instances where a girl can take these kinds of situations with a grain of salt. One of the main goals of Creative Crossings is to help tough friendship issues become not so much of a crisis. I was very impressed with her handling of the situation and wondered if it came in part from having older friends outside of school who were able to offer her a bigger perspective. Regardless, as usually happens, she made up with the "popular" girls and still kept the new friends she had made. It was lovely to see this girl laughing and being goofy with both her old friends and her new friends — filled with confidence and radiance. I loved watching it and felt that many girls could learn a lot from her!
Friday, April 17, 2009
Girls Leadership Academy
Although related, my two jobs — School Counselor at a large school with a low income, multi-ethnic population and Small Business Owner of Creative Crossings — rarely mix. When I go to work for my 2 1/2 days, I am unable to talk or think about Creative Crossings. The minute-to-minute demands are so high-paced. Also, I've found myself mostly wrapped up in working with boys in need. Finally, I don't like to promote my business at work. In fact, most of my colleagues probably have no idea that I have this "other career!"
However, each job informs each other and it would be impossible to keep the two truly separate. Working at a school and seeing relational aggression up close and personal has made me a better business owner. The stories I take with me are real. The girls are girls I know and like and care about. Likewise, my business ventures help me understand what girls can reach for, the many resources available for girls, and the extent of the problems that girls face in our society today.
It was therefore exciting when we learned that our school qualified for an after-school program which would include time for homework, snack, and activities. As it turned out, our reading coach, Anne, and myself — both were interested in leading a group for girls. We decided to merge together and created the Girls Leadership Academy.
Anne and I are about as different as can be and that was one factor that made our group so wonderfully powerful! Anne is tall and elegant, even the way she speaks is beautiful. She's the queen of affirmations and positive thinking. I am short, non-linear, and bursting with creativity. Anne had the reading coach side to her — always trying to make sure our group participants understood and that our group was outcome-based. For example, instead of giving them a verbal journal prompt, we would write it on the board, check for understanding, and other classroom-orientated methods that I would probably never have used (but that were helpful). I have the counseling bent. Anne had lots of stumbling blocks with family as she was growing up. I had lots of stumbling blocks with friendship. We made a wonderful team and grew to respect each other's work immensely.
The biggest personal gift of facilitating this group is how dramatically it differed from the rest of my job. During the day, I am running around throwing band-aids on problems, never feeling like I get to know the hearts and minds of the students and never feeling like I get to really help them move forward in their lives. This group afforded me the time to get to know the sixteen students, to catch a little glimpse into their lives — their hopes, their dreams, and their ambitions. It was delightful.
The group itself was a wonderful mix of ethnicities and circumstances. Some of the girls were strong leaders already and others were shy and quiet; some were born here, others recently immigrated. One girl spoke seven languages fluently!
I want to write about this group, so that others may be inspired to start a group of their own.
We used two books to guide our program: The Seven Habits of Highly Effective Teens by Sean Covey and The North Star Girls Group curriculum by Heidi Arizala Showman. Rather than focus on Relational Aggression, we focused on dreams and, what we called, Dream-stoppers.
The structure of the group was as follows:
A check-in question. Each girl got a colorful bead for checking in, which they could attach to a string hanging from their journals.
An activity
A journal prompt. Anne and I would later read them and write the girls back.
A brief closing (we would gather together, throw our hands into the circle, and quote Obama with a big YES WE CAN!).
The first four sessions were very focused on the identification of dreams and what may stop you from getting there. Girls identified some of their dreams and goals. We had a Junior President of her class come in to talk to the girls about the things she had overcome in her Elementary years, decorated journals with dream images and affirmations, identified dream-stoppers, and used an experiential blind-folded obstacle course to get a better physical understanding of how one may avoid the obstacles in our paths. The rest of the group focused on a variety of issues such as health, media images, asserting yourself, etc.
I do so much work on helping open up dialog about relational aggression and decisions we make around friendships — all important stuff, but the bent of this group was on dreams and hopes. In that way, relational aggression was more of a peripheral issue, something that gets in the way of life ambitions. I found it refreshing to have this focus and I hope to move more towards this positive-thinking direction in my own career and in my own personal life.
Both Anne and I hope we get the chance to expand the group, offering a sleepover and availability to more young woman.
Thanks Anne and girls for a wonderful group!
However, each job informs each other and it would be impossible to keep the two truly separate. Working at a school and seeing relational aggression up close and personal has made me a better business owner. The stories I take with me are real. The girls are girls I know and like and care about. Likewise, my business ventures help me understand what girls can reach for, the many resources available for girls, and the extent of the problems that girls face in our society today.
It was therefore exciting when we learned that our school qualified for an after-school program which would include time for homework, snack, and activities. As it turned out, our reading coach, Anne, and myself — both were interested in leading a group for girls. We decided to merge together and created the Girls Leadership Academy.
Anne and I are about as different as can be and that was one factor that made our group so wonderfully powerful! Anne is tall and elegant, even the way she speaks is beautiful. She's the queen of affirmations and positive thinking. I am short, non-linear, and bursting with creativity. Anne had the reading coach side to her — always trying to make sure our group participants understood and that our group was outcome-based. For example, instead of giving them a verbal journal prompt, we would write it on the board, check for understanding, and other classroom-orientated methods that I would probably never have used (but that were helpful). I have the counseling bent. Anne had lots of stumbling blocks with family as she was growing up. I had lots of stumbling blocks with friendship. We made a wonderful team and grew to respect each other's work immensely.
The biggest personal gift of facilitating this group is how dramatically it differed from the rest of my job. During the day, I am running around throwing band-aids on problems, never feeling like I get to know the hearts and minds of the students and never feeling like I get to really help them move forward in their lives. This group afforded me the time to get to know the sixteen students, to catch a little glimpse into their lives — their hopes, their dreams, and their ambitions. It was delightful.
The group itself was a wonderful mix of ethnicities and circumstances. Some of the girls were strong leaders already and others were shy and quiet; some were born here, others recently immigrated. One girl spoke seven languages fluently!
I want to write about this group, so that others may be inspired to start a group of their own.
We used two books to guide our program: The Seven Habits of Highly Effective Teens by Sean Covey and The North Star Girls Group curriculum by Heidi Arizala Showman. Rather than focus on Relational Aggression, we focused on dreams and, what we called, Dream-stoppers.
The structure of the group was as follows:
A check-in question. Each girl got a colorful bead for checking in, which they could attach to a string hanging from their journals.
An activity
A journal prompt. Anne and I would later read them and write the girls back.
A brief closing (we would gather together, throw our hands into the circle, and quote Obama with a big YES WE CAN!).
The first four sessions were very focused on the identification of dreams and what may stop you from getting there. Girls identified some of their dreams and goals. We had a Junior President of her class come in to talk to the girls about the things she had overcome in her Elementary years, decorated journals with dream images and affirmations, identified dream-stoppers, and used an experiential blind-folded obstacle course to get a better physical understanding of how one may avoid the obstacles in our paths. The rest of the group focused on a variety of issues such as health, media images, asserting yourself, etc.
I do so much work on helping open up dialog about relational aggression and decisions we make around friendships — all important stuff, but the bent of this group was on dreams and hopes. In that way, relational aggression was more of a peripheral issue, something that gets in the way of life ambitions. I found it refreshing to have this focus and I hope to move more towards this positive-thinking direction in my own career and in my own personal life.
Both Anne and I hope we get the chance to expand the group, offering a sleepover and availability to more young woman.
Thanks Anne and girls for a wonderful group!
Top Ten Tips for Families Dealing with Relational Aggression
For an article in Seattle Women's Magazine, the writer asked me for my top ten list for parents. Here it is!
PEGGY’S TOP TEN TIPS FOR FAMILIES DEALING WITH RELATIONAL AGGRESSION
Please keep in mind that these tips are for the majority of relational aggression incidents occurring at the elementary and middle levels, including shifting alliances, rumors, gossip, hurt feelings, being left out, someone telling your child who they can or can’t be friends with, etc. If the Relational Aggression is taken a step further and your daughter is the target of constant bullying and/or destructive acts of violence, contact the Police or the School Administrators.
1. Walk the fine line between listening, supporting, and giving your daughter ideas as to how to handle the situation, while at the same time let her own the problem. (In other words, don’t call the other family, don’t threaten the child, don’t let your own hurt feelings rule. Although this may be your natural response, it is usually not helpful and often makes the situation worse.)
2. Although it may seem trivial to you, understand that for your daughter, this situation probably feels huge and overwhelming. Try to guess how she may be feeling: left out, sad, rejected, etc. At the same time, respect the fact that your daughter may not want to talk about this with you. It’s also helpful to build up her support system, so there are several adult females in her life (Aunts, Grandparents, Friends, etc.) that she can turn to in times of need.
3. Create a safe place at home—this may be your daughter’s sanctuary when the rest of her life isn’t feeling so great. This may include time spent alone with your daughter, NOT talking about friends (giving her a break), fun family time, and also watching out for your own use of Relational Aggression. Your daughter is listening to you.
4. Likewise, be careful about media—text messages and social networking sites. Most experts recommend that computers be in public places in the house. If your daughter is being cyber-bullied, print it out and bring it to the School Counselor or School Administrators.
5. Encourage your daughter to have other friends or activities that do not include school friends. Jodee Blano, the author of Please, Stop Laughing at Us, uses the mantra—One Town Over.
6. Use the school as an ally. It isn’t okay for a school to say—“that’s just how girls are.” Relational Aggression is a form of bullying and schools have to address both bullying and harassment incidents. However, often it is difficult to figure out what is really going on with Relational Aggression because it is so covert. Don’t blame the school, but do get them on board. School Counselors can work wonders in helping to ease the tension.
7. Be open to the fact that your child may be less innocent than you think. Often the relational aggression is a little more two-sided than it initially appears. Remember, that all the girls are learning about relationships and there is a lot of pressure on girls to make hurtful choices. If your child makes a poor choice, use it as a learning tool.
8. Read Odd Girl Out by Rachel Simmons (for adults) and My Secret Bully by Trudy Ludwig (for girls ages 1st-6th grade). There are also many other books and websites that address this issue, including my website/blog www.creative-crossings.com
9. Help your daughter find more positive empowering outlets—such as helping others, volunteering, or engaging in activities for girls such as Passages Northwest outdoor programs, Powerful Voices, Girls on the Run, Creative Crossings mother/daughter events. Or start a mom/daughter book club. There are a lot of programs out there that support girls in positive ways and many of them offer scholarships.
10. Don’t buy into the idea that this is just what girls do. Create some family rules early on about being nice to each other. For example, “In our family, we play with everyone.” If your child has a birthday party, be careful about how they hand out invitations.
PEGGY’S TOP TEN TIPS FOR FAMILIES DEALING WITH RELATIONAL AGGRESSION
Please keep in mind that these tips are for the majority of relational aggression incidents occurring at the elementary and middle levels, including shifting alliances, rumors, gossip, hurt feelings, being left out, someone telling your child who they can or can’t be friends with, etc. If the Relational Aggression is taken a step further and your daughter is the target of constant bullying and/or destructive acts of violence, contact the Police or the School Administrators.
1. Walk the fine line between listening, supporting, and giving your daughter ideas as to how to handle the situation, while at the same time let her own the problem. (In other words, don’t call the other family, don’t threaten the child, don’t let your own hurt feelings rule. Although this may be your natural response, it is usually not helpful and often makes the situation worse.)
2. Although it may seem trivial to you, understand that for your daughter, this situation probably feels huge and overwhelming. Try to guess how she may be feeling: left out, sad, rejected, etc. At the same time, respect the fact that your daughter may not want to talk about this with you. It’s also helpful to build up her support system, so there are several adult females in her life (Aunts, Grandparents, Friends, etc.) that she can turn to in times of need.
3. Create a safe place at home—this may be your daughter’s sanctuary when the rest of her life isn’t feeling so great. This may include time spent alone with your daughter, NOT talking about friends (giving her a break), fun family time, and also watching out for your own use of Relational Aggression. Your daughter is listening to you.
4. Likewise, be careful about media—text messages and social networking sites. Most experts recommend that computers be in public places in the house. If your daughter is being cyber-bullied, print it out and bring it to the School Counselor or School Administrators.
5. Encourage your daughter to have other friends or activities that do not include school friends. Jodee Blano, the author of Please, Stop Laughing at Us, uses the mantra—One Town Over.
6. Use the school as an ally. It isn’t okay for a school to say—“that’s just how girls are.” Relational Aggression is a form of bullying and schools have to address both bullying and harassment incidents. However, often it is difficult to figure out what is really going on with Relational Aggression because it is so covert. Don’t blame the school, but do get them on board. School Counselors can work wonders in helping to ease the tension.
7. Be open to the fact that your child may be less innocent than you think. Often the relational aggression is a little more two-sided than it initially appears. Remember, that all the girls are learning about relationships and there is a lot of pressure on girls to make hurtful choices. If your child makes a poor choice, use it as a learning tool.
8. Read Odd Girl Out by Rachel Simmons (for adults) and My Secret Bully by Trudy Ludwig (for girls ages 1st-6th grade). There are also many other books and websites that address this issue, including my website/blog www.creative-crossings.com
9. Help your daughter find more positive empowering outlets—such as helping others, volunteering, or engaging in activities for girls such as Passages Northwest outdoor programs, Powerful Voices, Girls on the Run, Creative Crossings mother/daughter events. Or start a mom/daughter book club. There are a lot of programs out there that support girls in positive ways and many of them offer scholarships.
10. Don’t buy into the idea that this is just what girls do. Create some family rules early on about being nice to each other. For example, “In our family, we play with everyone.” If your child has a birthday party, be careful about how they hand out invitations.
Friday, January 23, 2009
The Three-Prong Approach
My friend Dalia lives in Israel. Her daughter Rivka is a sweet, gentle, kind-hearted girl. At school, this has caused problems because girls with stronger personalities have latched on to her and sometimes led her astray.
In the Israeli equivalent of first grade, a neighborhood girl latched onto Rivka. Dalia started to notice that her daughter wasn't making very good choices. For example, several times the girls didn't come in from recess and were wandering around unassisted by adults. Several times, Rivka was mean to her younger sister, something that had never happened before.
My friend was horrified as kindness and compassion towards others is something she believes in wholeheartedly. Indeed, she was the kid in my past who always stood up for others and never fed into any mean girl shenanigans.
She tried many strategies: calling the girl's mother, forbidding her daughter from talking to the girl, doing role plays with her daughter, talking to the teacher and other professionals, and finally, in an act of desperation, getting very angry at her daughter. Nothing worked.
Her daughter seemed to have a mix of feelings. On the one hand, she wanted to pull away from this girl, in part because she knew she was disappointing her mother. But she didn't seem to know how to do it. She would take little steps to try to break free from the girl's power over her, but the girl would always invite her to play, pull her away, and Rivka did not have the skills to say no.
On the other hand, the girl was compelling and fun to be around and held some kind of allure to Rivka. So certainly that made it even harder to break free.
I had talked to Dalia several times throughout the first grade year, hearing updates on the Rivka situation, but hadn't heard any recent ones now that her daughter is older. I asked Dalia how it was going and she said the problem was resolved. Dalia said the girls were not close friends, but were friendly in class. The girl no longer over-powered Rivka.
Dalia told me that she had used what she termed the THREE-PRONG APPROACH. I love this approach and I want to share it with you. I am certainly going to adopt it in my own practice.
The first prong: Keep the girls apart as much as possible. Dalia did this by walking her child to school and taking a longer route that didn't include walking by the girl's dwelling. She made sure the teacher kept them seated far apart in class and that they wouldn't be partners for school projects. She didn't make a big deal about this or even tell her daughter, but just quietly helped this to happen.
The second prong: Reward system for playground choices. She helped and encouraged her daughter to plan out her recesses in advance and to invite other girls to play. She knew the reward had to be enticing, so they picked a reward that she knew Rivka would love. She could buy anything she wanted in her favorite store. (Thankfully, her final choice was only the equivalent of two dollars!) Although the reward system did work, it was difficult in that often the girl would join the one Rivka was playing with. Rivka did not have the heart to say NO to this girl. So then there would be three girls playing and eventually the powerful girl would say, "Rivka and I will play alone now." Luckily, Dalia realized that this is very challenging for a young girl to assert herself and adjusted the reward system accordingly so that Rivka could feel successful at the small gains she was making.
The third prong: Build up the relationships with other girls. Dalia went out of her way to do this, having girls over to her place every other day. Rivka also invited several other girls over for a doughnut decorating party. Dalia was careful not to promote the party as a way of leaving the other girl out, but as a way to invite in some healthy relationships. (My warning on this one is that the goal is not to have anyone feel left out, so be very careful and low-key about this third prong. Remember that despite the fact that the girl was controlling, she is just learning about friendship too. No one deserves to be left out or made to feel bad.)
I have, of course, tried many of the things that Dalia used with the students I work with, but I like the idea of using them together as a three-prong approach. Also, it is very evident that Dalia spent a lot of time and money to make this plan work. I think you could try a modified version or even a school-only version of this. I'll report back on my findings, but in the meantime good luck making this work for you!
In the Israeli equivalent of first grade, a neighborhood girl latched onto Rivka. Dalia started to notice that her daughter wasn't making very good choices. For example, several times the girls didn't come in from recess and were wandering around unassisted by adults. Several times, Rivka was mean to her younger sister, something that had never happened before.
My friend was horrified as kindness and compassion towards others is something she believes in wholeheartedly. Indeed, she was the kid in my past who always stood up for others and never fed into any mean girl shenanigans.
She tried many strategies: calling the girl's mother, forbidding her daughter from talking to the girl, doing role plays with her daughter, talking to the teacher and other professionals, and finally, in an act of desperation, getting very angry at her daughter. Nothing worked.
Her daughter seemed to have a mix of feelings. On the one hand, she wanted to pull away from this girl, in part because she knew she was disappointing her mother. But she didn't seem to know how to do it. She would take little steps to try to break free from the girl's power over her, but the girl would always invite her to play, pull her away, and Rivka did not have the skills to say no.
On the other hand, the girl was compelling and fun to be around and held some kind of allure to Rivka. So certainly that made it even harder to break free.
I had talked to Dalia several times throughout the first grade year, hearing updates on the Rivka situation, but hadn't heard any recent ones now that her daughter is older. I asked Dalia how it was going and she said the problem was resolved. Dalia said the girls were not close friends, but were friendly in class. The girl no longer over-powered Rivka.
Dalia told me that she had used what she termed the THREE-PRONG APPROACH. I love this approach and I want to share it with you. I am certainly going to adopt it in my own practice.
The first prong: Keep the girls apart as much as possible. Dalia did this by walking her child to school and taking a longer route that didn't include walking by the girl's dwelling. She made sure the teacher kept them seated far apart in class and that they wouldn't be partners for school projects. She didn't make a big deal about this or even tell her daughter, but just quietly helped this to happen.
The second prong: Reward system for playground choices. She helped and encouraged her daughter to plan out her recesses in advance and to invite other girls to play. She knew the reward had to be enticing, so they picked a reward that she knew Rivka would love. She could buy anything she wanted in her favorite store. (Thankfully, her final choice was only the equivalent of two dollars!) Although the reward system did work, it was difficult in that often the girl would join the one Rivka was playing with. Rivka did not have the heart to say NO to this girl. So then there would be three girls playing and eventually the powerful girl would say, "Rivka and I will play alone now." Luckily, Dalia realized that this is very challenging for a young girl to assert herself and adjusted the reward system accordingly so that Rivka could feel successful at the small gains she was making.
The third prong: Build up the relationships with other girls. Dalia went out of her way to do this, having girls over to her place every other day. Rivka also invited several other girls over for a doughnut decorating party. Dalia was careful not to promote the party as a way of leaving the other girl out, but as a way to invite in some healthy relationships. (My warning on this one is that the goal is not to have anyone feel left out, so be very careful and low-key about this third prong. Remember that despite the fact that the girl was controlling, she is just learning about friendship too. No one deserves to be left out or made to feel bad.)
I have, of course, tried many of the things that Dalia used with the students I work with, but I like the idea of using them together as a three-prong approach. Also, it is very evident that Dalia spent a lot of time and money to make this plan work. I think you could try a modified version or even a school-only version of this. I'll report back on my findings, but in the meantime good luck making this work for you!
Tuesday, December 2, 2008
Sonja and Rose
Sonja, my Virtual Assistant and old friend from High School, said she was exhausted. "Why," I asked. "My daughter, Rose, is having nightmares and we've had many sleepless nights," she replied. We talked for a while about it and I gave her my best School Counselor advice.
Later, upon checking in, Sonja told me that they had figured out that there was a problem at her school with some girls that were making Rose's life miserable. Rose had been experiencing problems with these girls since preschool. The teachers hadn't noticed anything, so Sonja was fairly certain that little power-plays were happening out on the playground, invisible to the rest of the world.
All of this was stressing out little Rose, leading to nightmares and sleepless nights. For the parents, how difficult it must be to watch your daughter experience pain that you may have thought is reserved for older girls.
It is true that Relational Aggression starts as young as preschool. Some studies suggest that while there may be clear rules for physical aggression — We don't hit in our family, there are looser rules for Relational Aggression — Find someone else to play with or just ignore them.
I wish I had more advice for Sonja. I know she is fighting against culture and society. I wish all the mothers would look deeply into the way that their child may be mirroring what they see in the adult world. I wish the rules around this sort of behavior were clear and strict. I wish it wasn't so invisible, making it all the more difficult to figure out the truth of what's really going on.
The advice I gave Sonja is the same advice I'd have given for older girls. Teach your child assertiveness skills, role play situations with puppets or stuffed animals, expose your child to other avenues for friendship besides school, create safe and positive places and experiences at home, get the teacher and the recess teachers on board, create some family rules about being kind and friendly, and perhaps, if all else fails, a change in class, school, or some definitive parameters around the friendship are in order.
Later, upon checking in, Sonja told me that they had figured out that there was a problem at her school with some girls that were making Rose's life miserable. Rose had been experiencing problems with these girls since preschool. The teachers hadn't noticed anything, so Sonja was fairly certain that little power-plays were happening out on the playground, invisible to the rest of the world.
All of this was stressing out little Rose, leading to nightmares and sleepless nights. For the parents, how difficult it must be to watch your daughter experience pain that you may have thought is reserved for older girls.
It is true that Relational Aggression starts as young as preschool. Some studies suggest that while there may be clear rules for physical aggression — We don't hit in our family, there are looser rules for Relational Aggression — Find someone else to play with or just ignore them.
I wish I had more advice for Sonja. I know she is fighting against culture and society. I wish all the mothers would look deeply into the way that their child may be mirroring what they see in the adult world. I wish the rules around this sort of behavior were clear and strict. I wish it wasn't so invisible, making it all the more difficult to figure out the truth of what's really going on.
The advice I gave Sonja is the same advice I'd have given for older girls. Teach your child assertiveness skills, role play situations with puppets or stuffed animals, expose your child to other avenues for friendship besides school, create safe and positive places and experiences at home, get the teacher and the recess teachers on board, create some family rules about being kind and friendly, and perhaps, if all else fails, a change in class, school, or some definitive parameters around the friendship are in order.
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