Psychoanalyzing Teenagers

If you have a polite sixth grader, you've got an unhealthy kid

Anna Freud

Yesterday, I attended a lecture at my stepdaughter's school.  I was very excited for the topic — Between Doormat and Dominator: What Can You Do as a Parent When You See Healthy Competitiveness Turn Nasty?

Much to my chagrin, we never talked about this topic.  Instead, Dr. Campbell launched into a discussion about the latency stage and parents asked questions.

I found it interesting to look at the issue of relational aggression and teenage peer groups from a Freudian point of view.  A lot of what he had to say was in alignment with the literature out there on RA, but utilized the old-fashioned-sounding language of regression, ego, and idealization.  There were times throughout the lecture when I strongly disagreed with his take on things, so much so that I was cringing in my seat.

Here's my summary of his talk:

The task of the adolescent is to try and get rid of infantile wishes.  Rebellion is necessary.  Once they complete this stage, they no longer need to rebel and can now see parents for who they are, enabling them to move into the tasks of young adulthood.

They will most likely have some sort of idealization towards members of their peer group or figures they perceive as powerful such as Al Capone.  It is best for parents to not interfere with the process of idealization since it is absolutely necessary to a child's later success.

If your child doesn't go through an idealization phase, there may be something seriously wrong with the process.  The rebellion should take place towards the primary caregivers, so sending a child to boarding school could be detrimental to that process.

Hormones, during this time, cause them to regress to the age of a two-year-old — emotionally, socially, linguistically, etc. (Just like a two-year-old, saying words like fart or poop would be hysterically funny).  Teenagers will have frequent nightmares (though they may not share them with you) just like a two-year-old and will not have the skills to process these dreams.

At the same time that you need to let your child experience idealization, you also must set up limits and guidelines because your child has regressed to the age of a two-year-old — remember?

If you have serious concerns or anxieties about one of your child's friends, your child is probably having the same anxiety, but doesn't know how to express this.  Your child will be very angry that you won't let them play with this friend and will rebel, but secretly may be relieved.

Negotiating doesn't work.  Say it once and then zip it.  If you are feeling that your child is stubborn and not listening, he is most likely feeling the same exact thing about you.

Whatever you say to your 13-year-old, even if ignored, will become a part of them when they are 25.  Kids need to know there is family time even if they are not interested.  They need to know that you like them and want to be close.  Pick your battles.  Let them keep a messy room.  The bond is strong and stems from the limbic system and will always be there despite the rebellion phase (Scientific American article on mirror neurons).  Remember that you will most likely look back upon the teenage years and mourn the loss.  Parents can also regress during this time, which leads to power struggles.

A lot of time Relational Aggression has to do with envy.  A girl may say something sarcastic like, "let's care a little more about grades."  This has to do with envy and perhaps something associated with the father not giving the child enough positives.  It would be best for the girl to say, "sorry you are so envious" and then zip it.


As I write these notes, I realize that I agree with more of what Dr. Campbell said than I had at the lecture.  I like looking at relational aggression within the framework of the tasks of adolescence.  It makes sense.

The parts that conflicted with my belief system are as follows: I believe that there is a tremendous amount of variation in the human experience.  Some kids don't rebel (or rebel in a very gentle way) and I don't think that that is immediate cause for alarm or an indicator of future troubles.  It does sometimes feel like teenagers regress to a younger age, but I don't believe they regress to the age of two.  I know many pre-teens who are smart and introspective as well as those that are silly and immature and many that dance between the two camps.  I believe that both media and culture play a role in this as well.  For instance, the pre-teen kids I met while volunteering in Nepal,who were working the fields and taking care of younger siblings, did not have much time to giggle at words like poop or fart.  These kids seemed old beyond their years.

Finally, I don't think that kids become, later in life, all that they hear at age 13.  Thank god for that.  Many people I know who have had tough early lives are resilient.  They have overcome great odds to be successful and confident people.  I just don't think it's quite as cut and dry as Dr.Campbell makes it sound.  With that said, the point is well taken that we do need to be careful as to what we say, both positives and negatives, because, rest assured, our teens are listening and taking it in.

Dr. Campbell also mentioned that research has shown that baby boys are more physical and tend to knock things down, while girls are more verbal.  I am in the process of reading the book SEE JANE HIT. In this book, the author cites some studies that concluded that girls were just as aggressive as boys, but eventually weren't given as much permission to be physically aggressive due to cultural mores.  I'd like to explore this idea in another blog entry.  My own personal observations with nieces and nephew are that baby boys do tend to be more naturally aggressive, but which hard and true research to believe?  Or should I just believe my own personal experiences?

That's all for now. Thanks for reading.