The Three-Prong Approach
My friend Dalia lives in Israel. Her daughter Rivka is a sweet, gentle, kind-hearted girl. At school, this has caused problems because girls with stronger personalities have latched on to her and sometimes led her astray.
In the Israeli equivalent of first grade, a neighborhood girl latched onto Rivka. Dalia started to notice that her daughter wasn't making very good choices. For example, several times the girls didn't come in from recess and were wandering around unassisted by adults. Several times, Rivka was mean to her younger sister, something that had never happened before.
My friend was horrified as kindness and compassion towards others is something she believes in wholeheartedly. Indeed, she was the kid in my past who always stood up for others and never fed into any mean girl shenanigans.
She tried many strategies: calling the girl's mother, forbidding her daughter from talking to the girl, doing role plays with her daughter, talking to the teacher and other professionals, and finally, in an act of desperation, getting very angry at her daughter. Nothing worked.
Her daughter seemed to have a mix of feelings. On the one hand, she wanted to pull away from this girl, in part because she knew she was disappointing her mother. But she didn't seem to know how to do it. She would take little steps to try to break free from the girl's power over her, but the girl would always invite her to play, pull her away, and Rivka did not have the skills to say no.
On the other hand, the girl was compelling and fun to be around and held some kind of allure to Rivka. So certainly that made it even harder to break free.
I had talked to Dalia several times throughout the first grade year, hearing updates on the Rivka situation, but hadn't heard any recent ones now that her daughter is older. I asked Dalia how it was going and she said the problem was resolved. Dalia said the girls were not close friends, but were friendly in class. The girl no longer over-powered Rivka.
Dalia told me that she had used what she termed the THREE-PRONG APPROACH. I love this approach and I want to share it with you. I am certainly going to adopt it in my own practice.
The first prong: Keep the girls apart as much as possible. Dalia did this by walking her child to school and taking a longer route that didn't include walking by the girl's dwelling. She made sure the teacher kept them seated far apart in class and that they wouldn't be partners for school projects. She didn't make a big deal about this or even tell her daughter, but just quietly helped this to happen.
The second prong: Reward system for playground choices. She helped and encouraged her daughter to plan out her recesses in advance and to invite other girls to play. She knew the reward had to be enticing, so they picked a reward that she knew Rivka would love. She could buy anything she wanted in her favorite store. (Thankfully, her final choice was only the equivalent of two dollars!) Although the reward system did work, it was difficult in that often the girl would join the one Rivka was playing with. Rivka did not have the heart to say NO to this girl. So then there would be three girls playing and eventually the powerful girl would say, "Rivka and I will play alone now." Luckily, Dalia realized that this is very challenging for a young girl to assert herself and adjusted the reward system accordingly so that Rivka could feel successful at the small gains she was making.
The third prong: Build up the relationships with other girls. Dalia went out of her way to do this, having girls over to her place every other day. Rivka also invited several other girls over for a doughnut decorating party. Dalia was careful not to promote the party as a way of leaving the other girl out, but as a way to invite in some healthy relationships. (My warning on this one is that the goal is not to have anyone feel left out, so be very careful and low-key about this third prong. Remember that despite the fact that the girl was controlling, she is just learning about friendship too. No one deserves to be left out or made to feel bad.)
I have, of course, tried many of the things that Dalia used with the students I work with, but I like the idea of using them together as a three-prong approach. Also, it is very evident that Dalia spent a lot of time and money to make this plan work. I think you could try a modified version or even a school-only version of this. I'll report back on my findings, but in the meantime good luck making this work for you!
In the Israeli equivalent of first grade, a neighborhood girl latched onto Rivka. Dalia started to notice that her daughter wasn't making very good choices. For example, several times the girls didn't come in from recess and were wandering around unassisted by adults. Several times, Rivka was mean to her younger sister, something that had never happened before.
My friend was horrified as kindness and compassion towards others is something she believes in wholeheartedly. Indeed, she was the kid in my past who always stood up for others and never fed into any mean girl shenanigans.
She tried many strategies: calling the girl's mother, forbidding her daughter from talking to the girl, doing role plays with her daughter, talking to the teacher and other professionals, and finally, in an act of desperation, getting very angry at her daughter. Nothing worked.
Her daughter seemed to have a mix of feelings. On the one hand, she wanted to pull away from this girl, in part because she knew she was disappointing her mother. But she didn't seem to know how to do it. She would take little steps to try to break free from the girl's power over her, but the girl would always invite her to play, pull her away, and Rivka did not have the skills to say no.
On the other hand, the girl was compelling and fun to be around and held some kind of allure to Rivka. So certainly that made it even harder to break free.
I had talked to Dalia several times throughout the first grade year, hearing updates on the Rivka situation, but hadn't heard any recent ones now that her daughter is older. I asked Dalia how it was going and she said the problem was resolved. Dalia said the girls were not close friends, but were friendly in class. The girl no longer over-powered Rivka.
Dalia told me that she had used what she termed the THREE-PRONG APPROACH. I love this approach and I want to share it with you. I am certainly going to adopt it in my own practice.
The first prong: Keep the girls apart as much as possible. Dalia did this by walking her child to school and taking a longer route that didn't include walking by the girl's dwelling. She made sure the teacher kept them seated far apart in class and that they wouldn't be partners for school projects. She didn't make a big deal about this or even tell her daughter, but just quietly helped this to happen.
The second prong: Reward system for playground choices. She helped and encouraged her daughter to plan out her recesses in advance and to invite other girls to play. She knew the reward had to be enticing, so they picked a reward that she knew Rivka would love. She could buy anything she wanted in her favorite store. (Thankfully, her final choice was only the equivalent of two dollars!) Although the reward system did work, it was difficult in that often the girl would join the one Rivka was playing with. Rivka did not have the heart to say NO to this girl. So then there would be three girls playing and eventually the powerful girl would say, "Rivka and I will play alone now." Luckily, Dalia realized that this is very challenging for a young girl to assert herself and adjusted the reward system accordingly so that Rivka could feel successful at the small gains she was making.
The third prong: Build up the relationships with other girls. Dalia went out of her way to do this, having girls over to her place every other day. Rivka also invited several other girls over for a doughnut decorating party. Dalia was careful not to promote the party as a way of leaving the other girl out, but as a way to invite in some healthy relationships. (My warning on this one is that the goal is not to have anyone feel left out, so be very careful and low-key about this third prong. Remember that despite the fact that the girl was controlling, she is just learning about friendship too. No one deserves to be left out or made to feel bad.)
I have, of course, tried many of the things that Dalia used with the students I work with, but I like the idea of using them together as a three-prong approach. Also, it is very evident that Dalia spent a lot of time and money to make this plan work. I think you could try a modified version or even a school-only version of this. I'll report back on my findings, but in the meantime good luck making this work for you!
posted by Peggy300 at
9:15 AM
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