Thoughts on My Secret Bully

Thoughts on My Secret Bully
by Peggy Rubens

School Counselors, parents, and mental health therapists celebrated the release of the short story My Secret Bully by Trudy Ludwig.  The picture book captured perfectly the plight of a young girl named Monica who is experiencing relational aggression.  In the story, Monica’s friend is mean to her over and over again, calling her Mon-ICK-a and excluding her for no apparent reason.  Monica is not really sure why and she starts to blame herself.

Although there are many picture books about name calling, bullies, and having the courage to stand up for yourself, this one very specifically captures the hidden nature of relational aggression.  When Monica asks her friend why she is mad at her, the friend says, “No. I’m not mad at you. You are just so sensitive about stuff.”  For us on the front lines, it gave a starting point to initiate dialogue with a first or second grade classroom.  It’s also a great book to recommend to parents.


The book concludes with Monica’s decision to end this unhealthy friendship and move on to new friends and activities — a very sensible solution.  However, in my classrooms, some of the students didn’t understand the ending.  During the discussion, one first grade girl raised her hand and earnestly explained that the mean girl must have moved away — thus ending the friendship.  The class nodded in agreement.  I gently explained to her and the class that they weren’t friends because Monica had decided that the friendship didn’t feel healthy.

As I reflected upon it, the girl's response to the ending of the book made sense.  Many girls do not feel that the option to end a friendship exists.  It is simply not on the menu of ideas available to them.  Sure, they can spend some time apart, be “mad” at each other, or gather other friends to be on “their side,” but to really end a friendship in a healthy way is not a readily available option for many girls.

The fact that other classmates are typically involved in a relationally aggressive situation, clouds girls' ability to cleanly and confidently end a friendship.  It sounds like a no-brainer from our perspective, but for a girl to be able to end an unhealthy relationship, she would most likely need a huge amount of courage, adult support, and knowledge of relational aggression and the range of available options.