Sonja and Rose

Sonja, my Virtual Assistant and old friend from High School, said she was exhausted.  "Why," I asked.  "My daughter, Rose, is having nightmares and we've had many sleepless nights," she replied.   We talked for a while about it and I gave her my best School Counselor advice.

Later, upon checking in, Sonja told me that they had figured out that there was a problem at her school with some girls that were making Rose's life miserable.  Rose had been experiencing problems with these girls since preschool.  The teachers hadn't noticed anything, so Sonja was fairly certain that little power-plays were happening out on the playground, invisible to the rest of the world.

All of this was stressing out little Rose, leading to nightmares and sleepless nights.  For the parents, how difficult it must be to watch your daughter experience pain that you may have thought is reserved for older girls.

It is true that Relational Aggression starts as young as preschool.  Some studies suggest that while there may be clear rules for physical aggression — We don't hit in our family,  there are looser rules for Relational Aggression — Find someone else to play with or just ignore them.

I wish I had more advice for Sonja.  I know she is fighting against culture and society.  I wish all the mothers would look deeply into the way that their child may be mirroring what they see in the adult world.  I wish the rules around this sort of behavior were clear and strict.  I wish it wasn't so invisible, making it all the more difficult to figure out the truth of what's really going on.

The advice I gave Sonja is the same advice I'd have given for older girls.  Teach your child assertiveness skills, role play situations with puppets or stuffed animals, expose your child to other avenues for friendship besides school, create safe and positive places and experiences at home, get the teacher and the recess teachers on board, create some family rules about being kind and friendly, and perhaps, if all else fails, a change in class, school, or some definitive parameters around the friendship are in order.

It's a GIRL!

I was convinced we were having a boy.  This was confirmed when a colleague insisted we do the ring test, an old wives' tale (but amazingly reliable, according to my colleague).  We attached my wedding ring to a piece of string, dunked it three times upon my sweaty palm, and let it swing.  If it swings back and forth, it's a boy; in a circle, it's a girl.   At first it did nothing and then started swinging with certainty back and forth, confirming my feeling that we were having a boy.


At our 16-week ultra-sound, we waited excitedly for the news — boy or girl.  They didn't see a single bit of male anatomy and told us it was almost surely a girl.  This was later confirmed by our test results.  A GIRL!   I was wrong.   The ring test was wrong.  We were elated.  As the news spread, my friends and family said, "That's so perfect for you" and "Well, of course, you are having a girl."

Later that week, my midwife was having me fill out some forms.  On one of them, it said, "Name of mother."  I thought to myself, "How strange that they should want to know the name of MY mother."  I stared at the sheet in puzzlement until I realized that they meant ME.  I was the mother.  I have already embraced my role as stepmother, but MOTHER.  Me?

Yes, I run groups and events for pre-teen girls.  I know the hearts and minds of girls who wander into my counseling office in droves with problems big and small.  I have facilitated countless number of mom/daughter pairs through a Creative Crossings experience — and bore witness to the powerful bond.  I have always wished that I too could have this experience for myself.   But now that it is upon me, I wonder how I will navigate the fragile bond between mother and daughter.

I know that nothing can prepare me for the actuality of being a mother.  How will I handle my daughter's pain if it should manifest?   How will I walk that tricky boundary between encouraging my daughter's independence and giving her limits and guidelines.  I don't think my work with girls guarantees that I will be a good parent myself.

I see parenting as always having to make decisions as you are faced with each new situation.  I see it as a journey.  I don't know how I will do, but I am excited to give this little girl my all!