Thursday, March 8, 2007

Psychoanalyzing Teenagers

If you have a polite sixth grader, you've got an unhealthy kid
Anna Freud

Yesterday, I attended a lecture at my stepdaughter's school.  I was very excited for the topicBetween Doormat and Dominator: What Can You Do as a Parent When You See Healthy Competitiveness Turn Nasty?

Much to my chagrin, we never talked about this topic.  Instead, Dr. Campbell launched into a discussion about the latency stage and parents asked questions.

I found it interesting to look at the issue of relational aggression and teenage peer groups from a Freudian point of view.  A lot of what he had to say was in alignment with the literature out there on RA, but utilized the old-fashioned-sounding language of regression, ego, and idealization.  There were times throughout the lecture when I strongly disagreed with his take on things, so much so that I was cringing in my seat.

Here's my summary of his talk:

The task of the adolescent is to try and get rid of infantile wishes.  Rebellion is necessary.  Once they complete this stage, they no longer need to rebel and can now see parents for who they are, enabling them to move into the tasks of young adulthood.

They will most likely have some sort of idealization towards members of their peer group or figures they perceive as powerful such as Al Capone.  It is best for parents to not interfere with the process of idealization since it is absolutely necessary to a child's later success.

If your child doesn't go through an idealization phase, there may be something seriously wrong with the process.  The rebellion should take place towards the primary caregivers, so sending a child to boarding school could be detrimental to that process.

Hormones, during this time, cause them to regress to the age of a two-year-old
emotionally, socially, linguistically, etc. (Just like a two-year-old, saying words like fart or poop would be hysterically funny).  Teenagers will have frequent nightmares (though they may not share them with you) just like a two-year-old and will not have the skills to process these dreams.

At the same time that you need to let your child experience idealization, you also must set up limits and guidelines because your child has regressed to the age of a two-year-old
remember?

If you have serious concerns or anxieties about one of your child's friends, your child is probably having the same anxiety, but doesn't know how to express this.  Your child will be very angry that you won't let them play with this friend and will rebel, but secretly may be relieved.

Negotiating doesn't work.  Say it once and then zip it.  If you are feeling that your child is stubborn and not listening, he is most likely feeling the same exact thing about you.

Whatever you say to your 13-year-old, even if ignored, will become a part of them when they are 25.  Kids need to know there is family time even if they are not interested.  They need to know that you like them and want to be close.  Pick your battles.  Let them keep a messy room.  The bond is strong and stems from the limbic system and will always be there despite the rebellion phase (Scientific American article on mirror neurons).  Remember that you will most likely look back upon the teenage years and mourn the loss.  Parents can also regress during this time, which leads to power struggles.

A lot of time Relational Aggression has to do with envy.  A girl may say something sarcastic like, "let's care a little more about grades."  This has to do with envy and perhaps something associated with the father not giving the child enough positives.  It would be best for the girl to say, "sorry you are so envious" and then zip it.


As I write these notes, I realize that I agree with more of what Dr. Campbell said than I had at the lecture.  I like looking at relational aggression within the framework of the tasks of adolescence.  It makes sense.

The parts that conflicted with my belief system are as follows: I believe that there is a tremendous amount of variation in the human experience.  Some kids don't rebel (or rebel in a very gentle way) and I don't think that that is immediate cause for alarm or an indicator of future troubles.  It does sometimes feel like teenagers regress to a younger age, but I don't believe they regress to the age of two.  I know many pre-teens who are smart and introspective as well as those that are silly and immature and many that dance between the two camps.  I believe that both media and culture play a role in this as well.  For instance, the pre-teen kids I met while volunteering in Nepal,who were working the fields and taking care of younger siblings, did not have much time to giggle at words like poop or fart.  These kids seemed old beyond their years.

Finally, I don't think that kids become, later in life, all that they hear at age 13.  Thank god for that.  Many people I know who have had tough early lives are resilient.  They have overcome great odds to be successful and confident people.  I just don't think it's quite as cut and dry as Dr.Campbell makes it sound.  With that said, the point is well taken that we do need to be careful as to what we say, both positives and negatives, because, rest assured, our teens are listening and taking it in.

Dr. Campbell also mentioned that research has shown that baby boys are more physical and tend to knock things down, while girls are more verbal.  I am in the process of reading the book SEE JANE HIT. In this book, the author cites some studies that concluded that girls were just as aggressive as boys, but eventually weren't given as much permission to be physically aggressive due to cultural mores.  I'd like to explore this idea in another blog entry.  My own personal observations with nieces and nephew are that baby boys do tend to be more naturally aggressive, but which hard and true research to believe?  Or should I just believe my own personal experiences?

That's all for now. Thanks for reading.





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Thoughts on My Secret Bully

Thoughts on My Secret Bully
by Peggy Rubens

School Counselors, parents, and mental health therapists celebrated the release of the short story My Secret Bully by Trudy Ludwig.  The picture book captured perfectly the plight of a young girl named Monica who is experiencing relational aggression.  In the story, Monica’s friend is mean to her over and over again, calling her Mon-ICK-a and excluding her for no apparent reason.  Monica is not really sure why and she starts to blame herself.

Although there are many picture books about name calling, bullies, and having the courage to stand up for yourself, this one very specifically captures the hidden nature of relational aggression.  When Monica asks her friend why she is mad at her, the friend says, “No. I’m not mad at you. You are just so sensitive about stuff.”  For us on the front lines, it gave a starting point to initiate dialogue with a first or second grade classroom.  It’s also a great book to recommend to parents.


The book concludes with Monica’s decision to end this unhealthy friendship and move on to new friends and activities
a very sensible solution.  However, in my classrooms, some of the students didn’t understand the ending.  During the discussion, one first grade girl raised her hand and earnestly explained that the mean girl must have moved awaythus ending the friendship.  The class nodded in agreement.  I gently explained to her and the class that they weren’t friends because Monica had decided that the friendship didn’t feel healthy.

As I reflected upon it, the girl's response to the ending of the book made sense.  Many girls do not feel that the option to end a friendship exists.  It is simply not on the menu of ideas available to them.  Sure, they can spend some time apart, be “mad” at each other, or gather other friends to be on “their side,” but to really end a friendship in a healthy way is not a readily available option for many girls.

The fact that other classmates are typically involved in a relationally aggressive situation, clouds girls' ability to cleanly and confidently end a friendship.  It sounds like a no-brainer from our perspective, but for a girl to be able to end an unhealthy relationship, she would most likely need a huge amount of courage, adult support, and knowledge of relational aggression and the range of available options.

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Thursday, March 1, 2007

Friendship Roller-coaster

It is 8 AM on a Monday morning at an Elementary School in the Seattle area.  A dozen blue “I’d like to talk to the School Counselor” notes have collected under my door as I don’t work during the latter part of the week.  One of these notes catches my eye right away.  It is written in black pen, furiously written, so there are holes in parts of it and big black stars.  On the front it says: Becky (name has been changed to protect confidentiality), room 20, grade four.  Becky has circled friendship and sad and angry on my list of topics.  On the back it says, “THIS IS AN EMERGENCY.  I NEED TO TALK TO YOU NOW.”  Emergency is underlined.  Now is underlined.  There is a sad face with tears dripping down.  It seems as if a terrible tragedy has befallen Becky, and I make note that I will touch base with her as early as possible.

8:35 the doors open and the students pour in.  I stand outside my office, so I can greet them.  Becky walks by my door and I motion her discreetly to the side.  I say hello and tell her that we can meet during first recess.  She looks perplexed for a minute and then says breezily, “Oh, that.  We’re friends now.”

This is a typical day in the life of an elementary School Counselor.  My students ride on the friendship roller-coaster, experiencing tragic, self-esteem-busting lows and confidence-building highs
sometimes all in the course of a day.

Although I have told them a million times, “I can’t solve your problems for you.  I can only give you the tools to solve them yourselves,” the girls think I am magic.  I can help the girls (and boys for that matter) solve 90% of their friendship problems within five minutes.  How do I do this?

The truth is, I’m not magic.  I just know a thing or two about girls and how these conflicts work.  Here are some of my tried and true tips:

I try to meet with just two students at once
more than that creates an added pressure for girls to take sides, interrupt, etc.  A one-on-one confrontation is much more honest and focused on what’s really going on than a big group encounter.  The trick is to figure out intuitively who needs to be there.

The media often focus on the Queen Bee, the girl who is the underground instigator of problems, the Mean Girl.  While I have run into my fair share of Queen Bees, I find that, more often than not, the roles in the early elementary grades are not that clearly defined.  Sometimes the Queen Bee changes, sometimes there is no clear Queen Bee.  If the problem involves an obviously manipulative Queen Bee or a clear case of harassment/bullying, I treat the problem differently, sometimes involving the principal or parents.  The majority of problems that I see, though, are roller-coaster ups and downs that can be easily resolved.  Part of my bag of tricks is figuring out where along the continuum a particular conflict falls.

Girls need a chance to share their feelings with an adult to guide them along.  I have seen visibly irate girls relax within minutes when they get a chance to talk about the problem.  (On the playground, this is harder because other friends take sides, muddying the waters.)  By guiding them along, we are teaching them valuable problem-solving skills that they can use in the future.  There is no need to analyze and dissect the problem for hours — both girls need to share their feelings and what they’d like to happen.

Sometimes they make up right then and there, on the spot.  Other times, they are unable to.  I think this has something to do with “saving face.”  If a problem seems temporarily un-resolvable, I make an agreement with the girls to spend three recesses apart from each other.  Nine out of ten times, they make up sometime that day and tell me proudly in the hallway that they don’t need my plan anymore because, well, “we’re friends.”

My mantra is that we cannot make girls be friends with other girls, but being mean is not an option.  In some cases, when girls decide to disconnect, we can be a coach and a guide to make this painful transition smoother for all.

Another favorite, I ask the girls what they liked about each other back when they were friends.  “She’s nice, she’s funny, I really trust her.”  The other girl lights up.  She says the same thing back.  The problem defuses right away.

Finally, I make an effort to change the language of hate.  To me, hate does not adequately describe the friendship roller-coaster.  Instead, I use the words Connect, Disconnect, and Reconnect. It’s a lot better to be temporarily disconnected from your friend than to be HATED by someone.

It seems imperative to me that girls learn problem-solving skills early on and well into their teenage years.  I think these skills need to be constantly reinforced in a variety of ways from classroom guidance, to school-wide programs, to assemblies, to mother/daughter nights, to programs directed at parents.

It is in this way that our daughters and students can minimize the tragic highs and lows of the roller-coaster, or, better yet, step off altogether.



Peggy Rubens-Ellis is an Elementary School Counselor and runs programs, assemblies, and workshops for girls, mothers/daughters, and teachers. She is available to custom design a program for your community that decreases incidents of harassment between girls. Peggy can be reached at
info@creative-crossings.com or via her website www.creative-crossings.com

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My mom encounters RA

My mom has been playing tennis for years.  She's strong, competitive, and completely fair.  She plays to win, but enjoys after-game chats and connection with her opponents.

Two weeks ago, she was playing doubles on a women's Wednesday night league.  Her opponents were losing.  After the game, they walked up to my mom's teammates.  The opponents said, pointing at my mom and her partner, "Are those women known for cheating?"

The teammates reported this story to my mom and her partner.  The partner, irate, walked over to the teammate and started a verbal argument.  The word fuck you flew back and forth.  The last punch of the conversation was when one of the teammates asked my mom's partner if she was married.  My mom's partner said, "No."  The opponent said, "That makes sense, I can't see anyone ever wanting to be with you."  Ouch, what a jab.

My mom, of course, was rather dumbfounded.

Two days later, she was waiting in a car line at a bank.  The woman ahead of her was taking a long time.  The woman behind her was getting annoyed, honking her horn periodically.  Finally, she got out of her car and started screaming at the woman ahead of her.  The word bitch was flying back and forth.

It seems Relational Aggression (and aggression in general) is alive and well in the community of Delray Beach, Florida
.

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Creative Crossings. Peggy Rubens-Ellis, M.Ed. Certified Parent Coach: March 2007

Creative Crossings. Peggy Rubens-Ellis, M.Ed. Certified Parent Coach