Chicago Bat Mitvah Part Two: The Rabbis

Back at my sister's house, I picked up a magazine called Moment: Jewish Politics, Culture, Religion (January/February 2008) and started leafing through it.

I happened to open to an article entitled: What Does Judaism Say About Gossip?

When talking to girls about gossip, I often tell them that it is very much a part of the Jewish culture.  I say that I had to teach myself to not gossip because, as a Jewish woman, talking and kevetching about others is commonplace, even making it into the lyrics of Fiddler on the Roof.

In this article, seven rabbis from seven different traditions weigh in on gossip.  My curiosity was very piqued.  As may be expected, none of the rabbis condoned mean-hearted gossip.   I learned that Lashon Hara (translated as evil tongue) is when your intention is to harm someone.   Rabbi Manis Friedman goes on to say that Gossip shows that a person's pleasure comes from things that have no content, is an escape and an unwillingness to deal with real things and real communication.  Rabbi Lauren Holtzblatt adds that we usually have a pretty good sense of when we have crossed the line into evil talk.

Rabbi Joshua Maroof says that even casual gossip, though hard to avoid as it is a very human characteristic, is harmful — not as much to others as to ourselves. "Every minute squandered on mulling over the tantalizing details of someone else's life is a minute that one's own life has not been improved or enriched. Every breath expended on a discussion of celebrity trivia (the author is guilty of this one) is a breath that cannot be utilized to speak out against injustice or to encourage charity and compassion."

Rabbi Fred Scherlinder Dobb makes an interesting point.  He says that the tradition of women talking at the well or in other public places was seen to be "silly gossip."   He goes on to explain that it may have served a purpose; gossip, for example, could lead to discovering who may need help in the community.   He says that venting can be "sacred and cathartic."   He concludes by saying that it would be deemed acceptable to speak up about someone who is harming another such as someone who is blatantly cheating others or lying (could be dangerous territory in the case of girls who are relationally aggressive, so I wonder how he would weigh in with that one. The girl could very well have lied or cheated and I personally think that because of their age, it wouldn't be appropriate to condone gossip even if they did something wrong.  Pre-teen girls are exploring, learning, and making mistakes as opposed to someone older who has done something blatantly wrong or harmful to another.)

Rabbi Laura Duhan talks about the way that people use gossip for bonding, comparing workplace notes, figuring out who to trust and how to succeed.  She feels that all of the above is necessary, but there are ways to do this without gossiping.  She says it is important to have more of a spiritual friend, someone that you can express your doubts, concerns, and vent your frustrations.  This person would not take sides or deepen divisions.   Rabbi Gershon Winkler agrees with this notion.   He believes that when you don't talk to someone, hatred will fester and the Torah says not to hate in our hearts.  So, if the need arises, you should think very hard about who you should talk to about the situation and how you can convey both sides.

Rabbi Peter H.Schweitzer adds that we need to be courageous and take a stand when we hear someone gossiping.

I think the Rabbis make some great points and I know, I for one, am going to take them to heart.  At work, I do have two people that I talk to when things get rough.  They are my confidantes and the line seems pretty clear to me.   If I didn't have them, I may bundle up a lot of stress and discomfort.  However, we don't gossip and we aren't mean-spirited.

Rabbi Gershon Winkler ends his commentary on gossip with this insightful comment on gossip: "while it is a favorite pastime and a strong human inclination, we need to substitute the urge with other indulgences such as slow-churned ice cream and a good movie."

Chicago Bat Mitzvah Part One

My husband and I just returned from a trip to Chicago, where we attended my niece Anna's bat mitzvah.  It was a glorious, warm, very fun and meaningful event.

My niece handled the event with graciousness and poise.  Her seventh grade friends poured into the temple.  They were Jewish and non-Jewish, boys and girls, black and white.  My husband and I were in charge of crowd control, but we didn't have to do a thing — minus one ringing cell phone, they were perfectly behaved.


At night, we came along to chaperone the kids' party.  Just as we arrived, led to the right place by high-pitched shrieks, the DJ was inviting kids up to make speeches for my niece.  I had never seen her interacting in her peer group and, speech after speech, the kids said that she was very kind-hearted.  I don't think I've ever been such a proud Auntie!  I had always deemed my niece one of the nicest and sweetest kids, but you still never know what goes on at school!

She's also talented, bright, and (as gleaned from the bat mitvah event) liked and respected by her friends.  I wondered to myself if it is because of her inner confidence that she has no need to be aggressive towards others.

I think of myself at that age — I wasn't nearly as savvy.  In fact, I was rather a mess of raging hormones and insecurities.  I wanted to fit in and was both a victim and a perpetrator of relational aggression.  That was the norm, that was what my friends did.


Amazingly, I could detect no outward signs of relational aggression the whole night (of course, I do realize that things may have been going on under my nose, but my intuitive sense was that there wasn't any mean uncurrent).  At one point, in the bathroom, I heard two girls talking about some boys they liked, but there was no meanness directed towards anyone else.


I had asked my niece once about RA in her school.  She said that there is little.  Her friend, from another school, was listening and piped in that there was a lot at her school.  This is very interesting to me, that the school climate can vary so radically from school to school.  One girl, one clique, one grade with a certain combo of kids, can make a difference in a girl's life.  My niece is lucky!


As I did the Twist with my husband (in the back of the room of course!), I felt a rush of joy.  I am sometimes so wrapped up in the RA world, I can forget about girls having fun; girls who are empowered, confident, and free to be whoever they are.  Although girls often tell me their horror stories, they also tell me of their joys.  I have been lucky enough to meet amazing girls from all over the country and this night was no exception.