Creative Crossings

Just Right Books: Part One

2011-11-14T10:42:00.000-08:00

I have seen education waves come and go. There's lingo that suddenly is all the rage and then it fades out and something new takes it place. Keep in mind this isn't based on history, just what I remember from my 15 years as a School Counselor. (I didn't usually attend reading workshops and inservices, so this is just from an outsider's view).

First there was Accelerated Reader. Suddenly some books had an AR label--such as 4.5 (4th grade, 5th month). A student would read books and take a quiz afterwards. Kids would know their reading level--like "I'm a 4", or" I'm a 3.2." Students would want to read AR books because then they could take a quiz and get prizes.

Then suddenly, Accelerated Reading took off like wildfire. I remember that one school I was at took the summer to completely level the library. Leveling books means that every book in the library had a label on it as to its reading level. Accelerated Books and Leveling are no longer trending because now they are just part of most schools.

The new trend though is helping kids find "Just Right" books. A JUST RIGHT book is perfect because it is challenging enough to help the student learn new vocabulary and yet not so challenging that it will frustrate the student.

It makes a lot of sense, but another part of me just wants to puke when I hear over and over again, "choose a Just Right book." I know it works and is researched-based and all that---but it seems to me that it has the potential to take something away from the love of reading. After all, think of all those first graders reading the entire Harry Potter series--way beyond their "just right" level.

As for us, I see many reading lists for young kids and they are divided into the following categories: Babies, Toddlers, Preschoolers. It's semi-ridiculous because we regularly read books from all three categories. In fact, many of the books I have reviewed in this blog, would never be on a list for toddlers.

Tune into the next blog posting to see how Mirette reads both up past her :Just Right" level and down below her "Just Right" level and how we have FUN with excursions into both extremes.

My first look.

2010-07-17T17:08:00.000-07:00

We were driving and my daughter was tired and restless. Since I was in the back seat, I kept giving her toys to play with, hoping to engage her for a few more minutes. Finally, we all decided that we needed to stop engaging her, so that she could fall asleep. We did this knowing that there would be a brief period of crying before she transitioned into sleep. As we suspected, she started crying. I tried to ignore her by looking out the window or twiddling my thumbs. (It is VERY hard to ignore a crying baby!) Finally, I looked up at her and there it was — my first GLARE. I was horrified. My loving, sweet baby girl was looking at me with hate in her eyes. "Steve," I said to my husband, "our daughter just gave me my first mad look." He reached back to give my hand a squeeze and said lovingly, "There will be many more of those." Before long, my daughter was sound asleep. She awoke an hour later with a huge smile on her face and pounced into my arms with a giggle, all anger forgotten. Phew! I survived my first glare!

A girl I know!

2010-07-17T16:52:00.000-07:00

I am the School Counselor at a small school in the Seattle area. Once a week I have an open lunch for any 5th or 6th grade girl that wants to attend. One day, my regulars were gossiping and my relational aggression radar went off — something big was going down. They told me that there was this girl who had moved to the school, became instantly really popular, and was now kicked out of the group. All her friends hated her. I asked the teacher what was going on and she confirmed that there was a lot of "stuff" going on in her classroom and she was really having a hard time dealing with all of it. (I didn't work with this particular teacher and didn't know a lot of her students except for the few that came to lunch each week.)

The next week, my regulars attended with the said girl in tow. I was expecting her to be down in the dumps. She told the group that her friends had indeed abandoned her, but that she had moved on. As far as I could tell, this girl was relatively mellow considering what had gone on. I wondered to myself what traits this girl may possess that helped her keep her sense of self-esteem in the face of major friendship upheavals. She's kind-of my hero. When I was her age, my self-esteem crumbled under similar circumstances. It's nice to see instances where a girl can take these kinds of situations with a grain of salt. One of the main goals of Creative Crossings is to help tough friendship issues become not so much of a crisis. I was very impressed with her handling of the situation and wondered if it came in part from having older friends outside of school who were able to offer her a bigger perspective. Regardless, as usually happens, she made up with the "popular" girls and still kept the new friends she had made. It was lovely to see this girl laughing and being goofy with both her old friends and her new friends — filled with confidence and radiance. I loved watching it and felt that many girls could learn a lot from her!

Girls Leadership Academy

2009-04-17T09:38:00.000-07:00

Although related, my two jobs — School Counselor at a large school with a low income, multi-ethnic population and Small Business Owner of Creative Crossings — rarely mix. When I go to work for my 2 1/2 days, I am unable to talk or think about Creative Crossings. The minute-to-minute demands are so high-paced. Also, I've found myself mostly wrapped up in working with boys in need. Finally, I don't like to promote my business at work. In fact, most of my colleagues probably have no idea that I have this "other career!"

However, each job informs each other and it would be impossible to keep the two truly separate. Working at a school and seeing relational aggression up close and personal has made me a better business owner. The stories I take with me are real. The girls are girls I know and like and care about. Likewise, my business ventures help me understand what girls can reach for, the many resources available for girls, and the extent of the problems that girls face in our society today.

It was therefore exciting when we learned that our school qualified for an after-school program which would include time for homework, snack, and activities. As it turned out, our reading coach, Anne, and myself — both were interested in leading a group for girls. We decided to merge together and created the Girls Leadership Academy.

Anne and I are about as different as can be and that was one factor that made our group so wonderfully powerful! Anne is tall and elegant, even the way she speaks is beautiful. She's the queen of affirmations and positive thinking. I am short, non-linear, and bursting with creativity. Anne had the reading coach side to her — always trying to make sure our group participants understood and that our group was outcome-based. For example, instead of giving them a verbal journal prompt, we would write it on the board, check for understanding, and other classroom-orientated methods that I would probably never have used (but that were helpful). I have the counseling bent. Anne had lots of stumbling blocks with family as she was growing up. I had lots of stumbling blocks with friendship. We made a wonderful team and grew to respect each other's work immensely.

The biggest personal gift of facilitating this group is how dramatically it differed from the rest of my job. During the day, I am running around throwing band-aids on problems, never feeling like I get to know the hearts and minds of the students and never feeling like I get to really help them move forward in their lives. This group afforded me the time to get to know the sixteen students, to catch a little glimpse into their lives — their hopes, their dreams, and their ambitions. It was delightful.

The group itself was a wonderful mix of ethnicities and circumstances. Some of the girls were strong leaders already and others were shy and quiet; some were born here, others recently immigrated. One girl spoke seven languages fluently!

I want to write about this group, so that others may be inspired to start a group of their own.

We used two books to guide our program: The Seven Habits of Highly Effective Teens by Sean Covey and The North Star Girls Group curriculum by Heidi Arizala Showman. Rather than focus on Relational Aggression, we focused on dreams and, what we called, Dream-stoppers.

The structure of the group was as follows:

A check-in question. Each girl got a colorful bead for checking in, which they could attach to a string hanging from their journals.

An activity

A journal prompt. Anne and I would later read them and write the girls back.

A brief closing (we would gather together, throw our hands into the circle, and quote Obama with a big YES WE CAN!).

The first four sessions were very focused on the identification of dreams and what may stop you from getting there. Girls identified some of their dreams and goals. We had a Junior President of her class come in to talk to the girls about the things she had overcome in her Elementary years, decorated journals with dream images and affirmations, identified dream-stoppers, and used an experiential blind-folded obstacle course to get a better physical understanding of how one may avoid the obstacles in our paths. The rest of the group focused on a variety of issues such as health, media images, asserting yourself, etc.

I do so much work on helping open up dialog about relational aggression and decisions we make around friendships — all important stuff, but the bent of this group was on dreams and hopes. In that way, relational aggression was more of a peripheral issue, something that gets in the way of life ambitions. I found it refreshing to have this focus and I hope to move more towards this positive-thinking direction in my own career and in my own personal life.

Both Anne and I hope we get the chance to expand the group, offering a sleepover and availability to more young woman.

Thanks Anne and girls for a wonderful group!

Top Ten Tips for Families Dealing with Relational Aggression

2009-04-17T09:35:00.000-07:00

For an article in Seattle Women's Magazine, the writer asked me for my top ten list for parents. Here it is!

PEGGY’S TOP TEN TIPS FOR FAMILIES DEALING WITH RELATIONAL AGGRESSION
Please keep in mind that these tips are for the majority of relational aggression incidents occurring at the elementary and middle levels, including shifting alliances, rumors, gossip, hurt feelings, being left out, someone telling your child who they can or can’t be friends with, etc. If the Relational Aggression is taken a step further and your daughter is the target of constant bullying and/or destructive acts of violence, contact the Police or the School Administrators.

1. Walk the fine line between listening, supporting, and giving your daughter ideas as to how to handle the situation, while at the same time let her own the problem. (In other words, don’t call the other family, don’t threaten the child, don’t let your own hurt feelings rule. Although this may be your natural response, it is usually not helpful and often makes the situation worse.)

2. Although it may seem trivial to you, understand that for your daughter, this situation probably feels huge and overwhelming. Try to guess how she may be feeling: left out, sad, rejected, etc. At the same time, respect the fact that your daughter may not want to talk about this with you. It’s also helpful to build up her support system, so there are several adult females in her life (Aunts, Grandparents, Friends, etc.) that she can turn to in times of need.

3. Create a safe place at home—this may be your daughter’s sanctuary when the rest of her life isn’t feeling so great. This may include time spent alone with your daughter, NOT talking about friends (giving her a break), fun family time, and also watching out for your own use of Relational Aggression. Your daughter is listening to you.

4. Likewise, be careful about media—text messages and social networking sites. Most experts recommend that computers be in public places in the house. If your daughter is being cyber-bullied, print it out and bring it to the School Counselor or School Administrators.

5. Encourage your daughter to have other friends or activities that do not include school friends. Jodee Blano, the author of Please, Stop Laughing at Us, uses the mantra—One Town Over.

6. Use the school as an ally. It isn’t okay for a school to say—“that’s just how girls are.” Relational Aggression is a form of bullying and schools have to address both bullying and harassment incidents. However, often it is difficult to figure out what is really going on with Relational Aggression because it is so covert. Don’t blame the school, but do get them on board. School Counselors can work wonders in helping to ease the tension.

7. Be open to the fact that your child may be less innocent than you think. Often the relational aggression is a little more two-sided than it initially appears. Remember, that all the girls are learning about relationships and there is a lot of pressure on girls to make hurtful choices. If your child makes a poor choice, use it as a learning tool.

8. Read Odd Girl Out by Rachel Simmons (for adults) and My Secret Bully by Trudy Ludwig (for girls ages 1st-6th grade). There are also many other books and websites that address this issue, including my website/blog www.creative-crossings.com

9. Help your daughter find more positive empowering outlets—such as helping others, volunteering, or engaging in activities for girls such as Passages Northwest outdoor programs, Powerful Voices, Girls on the Run, Creative Crossings mother/daughter events. Or start a mom/daughter book club. There are a lot of programs out there that support girls in positive ways and many of them offer scholarships.

10. Don’t buy into the idea that this is just what girls do. Create some family rules early on about being nice to each other. For example, “In our family, we play with everyone.” If your child has a birthday party, be careful about how they hand out invitations.

The Three-Prong Approach

2009-01-23T09:15:00.000-08:00

My friend Dalia lives in Israel. Her daughter Rivka is a sweet, gentle, kind-hearted girl. At school, this has caused problems because girls with stronger personalities have latched on to her and sometimes led her astray.

In the Israeli equivalent of first grade, a neighborhood girl latched onto Rivka. Dalia started to notice that her daughter wasn't making very good choices. For example, several times the girls didn't come in from recess and were wandering around unassisted by adults. Several times, Rivka was mean to her younger sister, something that had never happened before.

My friend was horrified as kindness and compassion towards others is something she believes in wholeheartedly. Indeed, she was the kid in my past who always stood up for others and never fed into any mean girl shenanigans.

She tried many strategies: calling the girl's mother, forbidding her daughter from talking to the girl, doing role plays with her daughter, talking to the teacher and other professionals, and finally, in an act of desperation, getting very angry at her daughter. Nothing worked.

Her daughter seemed to have a mix of feelings. On the one hand, she wanted to pull away from this girl, in part because she knew she was disappointing her mother. But she didn't seem to know how to do it. She would take little steps to try to break free from the girl's power over her, but the girl would always invite her to play, pull her away, and Rivka did not have the skills to say no.

On the other hand, the girl was compelling and fun to be around and held some kind of allure to Rivka. So certainly that made it even harder to break free.

I had talked to Dalia several times throughout the first grade year, hearing updates on the Rivka situation, but hadn't heard any recent ones now that her daughter is older. I asked Dalia how it was going and she said the problem was resolved. Dalia said the girls were not close friends, but were friendly in class. The girl no longer over-powered Rivka.

Dalia told me that she had used what she termed the THREE-PRONG APPROACH. I love this approach and I want to share it with you. I am certainly going to adopt it in my own practice.

The first prong: Keep the girls apart as much as possible. Dalia did this by walking her child to school and taking a longer route that didn't include walking by the girl's dwelling. She made sure the teacher kept them seated far apart in class and that they wouldn't be partners for school projects. She didn't make a big deal about this or even tell her daughter, but just quietly helped this to happen.

The second prong: Reward system for playground choices. She helped and encouraged her daughter to plan out her recesses in advance and to invite other girls to play. She knew the reward had to be enticing, so they picked a reward that she knew Rivka would love. She could buy anything she wanted in her favorite store. (Thankfully, her final choice was only the equivalent of two dollars!) Although the reward system did work, it was difficult in that often the girl would join the one Rivka was playing with. Rivka did not have the heart to say NO to this girl. So then there would be three girls playing and eventually the powerful girl would say, "Rivka and I will play alone now." Luckily, Dalia realized that this is very challenging for a young girl to assert herself and adjusted the reward system accordingly so that Rivka could feel successful at the small gains she was making.

The third prong: Build up the relationships with other girls. Dalia went out of her way to do this, having girls over to her place every other day. Rivka also invited several other girls over for a doughnut decorating party. Dalia was careful not to promote the party as a way of leaving the other girl out, but as a way to invite in some healthy relationships. (My warning on this one is that the goal is not to have anyone feel left out, so be very careful and low-key about this third prong. Remember that despite the fact that the girl was controlling, she is just learning about friendship too. No one deserves to be left out or made to feel bad.)

I have, of course, tried many of the things that Dalia used with the students I work with, but I like the idea of using them together as a three-prong approach. Also, it is very evident that Dalia spent a lot of time and money to make this plan work. I think you could try a modified version or even a school-only version of this. I'll report back on my findings, but in the meantime good luck making this work for you!

Sonja and Rose

2008-12-02T09:47:00.000-08:00

Sonja, my Virtual Assistant and old friend from High School, said she was exhausted. "Why," I asked. "My daughter, Rose, is having nightmares and we've had many sleepless nights," she replied. We talked for a while about it and I gave her my best School Counselor advice.

Later, upon checking in, Sonja told me that they had figured out that there was a problem at her school with some girls that were making Rose's life miserable. Rose had been experiencing problems with these girls since preschool. The teachers hadn't noticed anything, so Sonja was fairly certain that little power-plays were happening out on the playground, invisible to the rest of the world.

All of this was stressing out little Rose, leading to nightmares and sleepless nights. For the parents, how difficult it must be to watch your daughter experience pain that you may have thought is reserved for older girls.

It is true that Relational Aggression starts as young as preschool. Some studies suggest that while there may be clear rules for physical aggression — We don't hit in our family, there are looser rules for Relational Aggression — Find someone else to play with or just ignore them.

I wish I had more advice for Sonja. I know she is fighting against culture and society. I wish all the mothers would look deeply into the way that their child may be mirroring what they see in the adult world. I wish the rules around this sort of behavior were clear and strict. I wish it wasn't so invisible, making it all the more difficult to figure out the truth of what's really going on.

The advice I gave Sonja is the same advice I'd have given for older girls. Teach your child assertiveness skills, role play situations with puppets or stuffed animals, expose your child to other avenues for friendship besides school, create safe and positive places and experiences at home, get the teacher and the recess teachers on board, create some family rules about being kind and friendly, and perhaps, if all else fails, a change in class, school, or some definitive parameters around the friendship are in order.

It's a GIRL!

2008-12-02T09:26:00.000-08:00

I was convinced we were having a boy. This was confirmed when a colleague insisted we do the ring test, an old wives' tale (but amazingly reliable, according to my colleague). We attached my wedding ring to a piece of string, dunked it three times upon my sweaty palm, and let it swing. If it swings back and forth, it's a boy; in a circle, it's a girl. At first it did nothing and then started swinging with certainty back and forth, confirming my feeling that we were having a boy.

At our 16-week ultra-sound, we waited excitedly for the news — boy or girl. They didn't see a single bit of male anatomy and told us it was almost surely a girl. This was later confirmed by our test results. A GIRL! I was wrong. The ring test was wrong. We were elated. As the news spread, my friends and family said, "That's so perfect for you" and "Well, of course, you are having a girl."

Later that week, my midwife was having me fill out some forms. On one of them, it said, "Name of mother." I thought to myself, "How strange that they should want to know the name of MY mother." I stared at the sheet in puzzlement until I realized that they meant ME. I was the mother. I have already embraced my role as stepmother, but MOTHER. Me?

Yes, I run groups and events for pre-teen girls. I know the hearts and minds of girls who wander into my counseling office in droves with problems big and small. I have facilitated countless number of mom/daughter pairs through a Creative Crossings experience — and bore witness to the powerful bond. I have always wished that I too could have this experience for myself. But now that it is upon me, I wonder how I will navigate the fragile bond between mother and daughter.

I know that nothing can prepare me for the actuality of being a mother. How will I handle my daughter's pain if it should manifest? How will I walk that tricky boundary between encouraging my daughter's independence and giving her limits and guidelines. I don't think my work with girls guarantees that I will be a good parent myself.

I see parenting as always having to make decisions as you are faced with each new situation. I see it as a journey. I don't know how I will do, but I am excited to give this little girl my all!

The Power of Word

2008-04-07T06:39:00.000-07:00

I was taking a class as part of a larger conference.

Pre-class, I was stocking up on snacks and tea when I ran into an old colleague of mine. It was great to see her. We chit-chatted for a while, until I told her I had to run so I wouldn't be late for this class.

"What class?" she said.

I told her. She and her friend both rolled their eyes in unison.

"What's wrong," I said, "is the teacher boring?" I had been excited for the class, but now I was wondering if the teacher would have a monotone voice.

"Well, um, it's sort-of all about her. You'll see."

The other woman nodded her head vigorously in agreement.

I trudged to the class, feeling a little bit like — Oh great, now I have to listen to this egotistical teacher. Some of my initial excitement for the class had diminished.

The teacher was a dynamo — curly brown hair, a very un-monotone voice, and easy to follow. But she did start the session off with photos of her new baby. That's kind-of egotistical, isn't it? (Though I would probably do the same thing,) She was very attractive, skinny, and seemed totally confident and knowledgeable about the topic. That could constitute egotism — no one around our age should know so much and act so professor-ish. And had she asked any of us about ourselves?

I stopped myself suddenly, realizing that I was searching for ways that this woman fit the critique of my peers. Had I not had the initial conversation, would I have been thinking my professor had a problem with ego? The answer, I am sure, is no way. I didn't really have any personal experience with this teacher being an egoist. In fact, I liked her teaching style and found her to be engaging. Someday, as the class continues, I may see her shadow side and have my own experience with it. However, in this case, I had found myself taking my friends' critique as truth, or at least searching for proof of their comments.

This incident caused me to take a hard look at the ways this type of interaction plays out in my life. There's the "mean" neighbor, the "difficult" parent, and a myriad of other ways I have taken opinions as facts. I'd like to think I rely only on my own opinions, but do I? How do others' critiques seep through, clouding my own perception.

I see this play out again and again with pre-teen girls. "WE FEEL that so and so is always saying annoying things and following us around." I force each girl to tell me how THEY are feeling and take the "We" out of it. Usually, I find that it is only one girl that is having the actual experience and the others are piggy-backing on it. They start out, with my prompts, saying I feel this way, but then quickly slip back to we. As I remind them again and again to talk only about their own experience, they often give up and say that they themselves are not really mad or upset with the girl. Or they just mirror the complaint of the friend with the problem. "I feel angry and upset with the way that she treats Kaisha."

The use of words can be very tricky and slippery and it is difficult to not let the words of others influence our own experience. My class is continuing to meet via computer and I am still waiting for my professor to unleash a fountain of ego. It still hasn't happened.

Chicago Bat Mitvah Part Two: The Rabbis

2008-02-08T10:34:00.000-08:00

Back at my sister's house, I picked up a magazine called Moment: Jewish Politics, Culture, Religion (January/February 2008) and started leafing through it.

I happened to open to an article entitled: What Does Judaism Say About Gossip?

When talking to girls about gossip, I often tell them that it is very much a part of the Jewish culture. I say that I had to teach myself to not gossip because, as a Jewish woman, talking and kevetching about others is commonplace, even making it into the lyrics of Fiddler on the Roof.

In this article, seven rabbis from seven different traditions weigh in on gossip. My curiosity was very piqued. As may be expected, none of the rabbis condoned mean-hearted gossip. I learned that Lashon Hara (translated as evil tongue) is when your intention is to harm someone. Rabbi Manis Friedman goes on to say that Gossip shows that a person's pleasure comes from things that have no content, is an escape and an unwillingness to deal with real things and real communication. Rabbi Lauren Holtzblatt adds that we usually have a pretty good sense of when we have crossed the line into evil talk.

Rabbi Joshua Maroof says that even casual gossip, though hard to avoid as it is a very human characteristic, is harmful — not as much to others as to ourselves. "Every minute squandered on mulling over the tantalizing details of someone else's life is a minute that one's own life has not been improved or enriched. Every breath expended on a discussion of celebrity trivia (the author is guilty of this one) is a breath that cannot be utilized to speak out against injustice or to encourage charity and compassion."

Rabbi Fred Scherlinder Dobb makes an interesting point. He says that the tradition of women talking at the well or in other public places was seen to be "silly gossip." He goes on to explain that it may have served a purpose; gossip, for example, could lead to discovering who may need help in the community. He says that venting can be "sacred and cathartic." He concludes by saying that it would be deemed acceptable to speak up about someone who is harming another such as someone who is blatantly cheating others or lying (could be dangerous territory in the case of girls who are relationally aggressive, so I wonder how he would weigh in with that one. The girl could very well have lied or cheated and I personally think that because of their age, it wouldn't be appropriate to condone gossip even if they did something wrong. Pre-teen girls are exploring, learning, and making mistakes as opposed to someone older who has done something blatantly wrong or harmful to another.)

Rabbi Laura Duhan talks about the way that people use gossip for bonding, comparing workplace notes, figuring out who to trust and how to succeed. She feels that all of the above is necessary, but there are ways to do this without gossiping. She says it is important to have more of a spiritual friend, someone that you can express your doubts, concerns, and vent your frustrations. This person would not take sides or deepen divisions. Rabbi Gershon Winkler agrees with this notion. He believes that when you don't talk to someone, hatred will fester and the Torah says not to hate in our hearts. So, if the need arises, you should think very hard about who you should talk to about the situation and how you can convey both sides.

Rabbi Peter H.Schweitzer adds that we need to be courageous and take a stand when we hear someone gossiping.

I think the Rabbis make some great points and I know, I for one, am going to take them to heart. At work, I do have two people that I talk to when things get rough. They are my confidantes and the line seems pretty clear to me. If I didn't have them, I may bundle up a lot of stress and discomfort. However, we don't gossip and we aren't mean-spirited.

Rabbi Gershon Winkler ends his commentary on gossip with this insightful comment on gossip: "while it is a favorite pastime and a strong human inclination, we need to substitute the urge with other indulgences such as slow-churned ice cream and a good movie."

Chicago Bat Mitzvah Part One

2008-02-02T22:01:00.000-08:00

My husband and I just returned from a trip to Chicago, where we attended my niece Anna's bat mitzvah. It was a glorious, warm, very fun and meaningful event.

My niece handled the event with graciousness and poise. Her seventh grade friends poured into the temple. They were Jewish and non-Jewish, boys and girls, black and white. My husband and I were in charge of crowd control, but we didn't have to do a thing — minus one ringing cell phone, they were perfectly behaved.

At night, we came along to chaperone the kids' party. Just as we arrived, led to the right place by high-pitched shrieks, the DJ was inviting kids up to make speeches for my niece. I had never seen her interacting in her peer group and, speech after speech, the kids said that she was very kind-hearted. I don't think I've ever been such a proud Auntie! I had always deemed my niece one of the nicest and sweetest kids, but you still never know what goes on at school!

She's also talented, bright, and (as gleaned from the bat mitvah event) liked and respected by her friends. I wondered to myself if it is because of her inner confidence that she has no need to be aggressive towards others.

I think of myself at that age — I wasn't nearly as savvy. In fact, I was rather a mess of raging hormones and insecurities. I wanted to fit in and was both a victim and a perpetrator of relational aggression. That was the norm, that was what my friends did.

Amazingly, I could detect no outward signs of relational aggression the whole night (of course, I do realize that things may have been going on under my nose, but my intuitive sense was that there wasn't any mean uncurrent). At one point, in the bathroom, I heard two girls talking about some boys they liked, but there was no meanness directed towards anyone else.

I had asked my niece once about RA in her school. She said that there is little. Her friend, from another school, was listening and piped in that there was a lot at her school. This is very interesting to me, that the school climate can vary so radically from school to school. One girl, one clique, one grade with a certain combo of kids, can make a difference in a girl's life. My niece is lucky!

As I did the Twist with my husband (in the back of the room of course!), I felt a rush of joy. I am sometimes so wrapped up in the RA world, I can forget about girls having fun; girls who are empowered, confident, and free to be whoever they are. Although girls often tell me their horror stories, they also tell me of their joys. I have been lucky enough to meet amazing girls from all over the country and this night was no exception.

Snoqualmie Middle School Girls Rock Program

2007-11-30T12:36:00.000-08:00

Snoqualmie Middle School:
In conjunction with Heather Kearn, the counselor at SMS, and my amazing point person, we created this program and worked on it for over a year (we had to change the date three times!). Despite scheduling conflicts and lack of time, Heather persevered and was able to get school employees on board with her vision.

In fact, the administrators were so gung-ho that the boys were bussed to the high school for an exciting event of their own.

Until this recent event, my workshops have generally been anywhere from 8-50 participants. 300 middle school girls was uncharted territory and neither of us had any idea as to how receptive the girls would be to our program.

Heather and I talked about doing a simple pre-test. A few days before the experiential lecture, Heather surveyed many of the girls. The questions were simple ones ranging from have you ever seen other girls pointing at you and laughing?, to Have you ever had a mean rumor spread about you?. Not surprisingly, the results indicated that many of the girls had been exposed to relational aggression. More interestingly, across the board, the percentages were highest in the 8th grade. For instance, in response to the questions have you ever had a (girl)friend stop being your friend without telling you why? 21% of the sixth graders said yes, 34% of the 7th graders said yes, and 100% of the 8th graders said yes. Heather had told me that there were some very strong Queen Bees in the 8th grade, so perhaps that accounted for some of the high stats.

As the girls poured into the gym and filled up the bleachers, I was both nervous and excited. The PowerPoint presentation was ready to go and we had a killer microphone. I said hello to the girls as they walked in and it eased my jitters to see that they all were friendly and enthusiastic. Once we began, I lost any sense of nervousness. My audience paid rapt attention, actively participated in all the activities, and laughed at all the right places.

It had been an interesting experience to transfer experiential activities that I do with smaller groups into a large group format. For instance, one of my favorite pieces is a series of activities called You Are Not Invited or Turning Lemons into Lemonade. I knew we wouldn’t have time or the adult supervision to do the whole drama activity, so we settled for having the teachers act out a relational aggression scenario. This was met with raucous cheers from the girls! Definitely a good idea on our part.

Towards the end, we moved into a piece called What do Girls Deserve? Heather and I went back and forth, reading scenarios, and discussing why they’d be considered Relational Aggression. I then showed the girls my What do Girls Deserve? list including such things as girls deserve to choose their own friends, girls deserve to know why someone is mad at them.

The moment of reckoning was upon us. We asked the girls to add to our list. Two sixth graders raised their hands. The rest of the room stayed quiet. “Oh no,” I thought to myself. I was expecting that this would be a really rich part of the event, but perhaps they had nothing to say or contribute. Had the girls grasped the lesson? Slowly more hands went up around the room and before long, girls of all grades were eager to add their ideas to the list. What was most amazing to both Heather and I was that the contributions were deep and insightful. Not one person said something silly or trite.

Here are some examples:
• To look the way they want without being criticized
• A second chance with friends
• To express feelings without being made fun of
• To be respected, no matter where they’re from
• To not be labeled
• To keep secrets that are healthy
• To NOT keep secrets that are unhealthy / hurtful
• A chance to explain yourself
• To be included

We then moved into the final piece, goal setting! We had just enough time for several of the girls to read their goals. Again, there was nothing even remotely trite such as “I will be nicer.” The goals were real and thoughtful. Here’s some of them.

· To choose not to take sides in somebody else's disagreement
· To explain to my friends why I'm mad instead of talking behind their back
· To choose not to be in the middle of a fight (as the messenger)
· To try not to dislike other people...to look for the good in all
· To express myself freely without worrying so much about what others think
· To choose not to pick out people's flaws all the time
· To talk about something nice when I feel like saying something mean
· To choose not to judge somebody just by what other people say about them
· To start fresh

The girls wrote the goals on pieces of colored paper, so that Heather could later hang them up around the school.
At the end of the program, Heather introduced phase two: girls who were interested were invited to take part in a girls’ group to further explore these issues and take action. Girls crowded around the sign-up table.
Heather and I had a little while to talk about phase one of the program. We both were elated and felt that we had touched some deep chords!
I later asked Heather for some feedback. This is a part of her statement. “In my time as the counselor at SMS, many girls have stopped by my office to talk about friendship problems, mistakes they've made with other girls, the pressures of popularity, who they want to be, and who they are. It seems that behind all of the mean actions and words that girls take towards one another is a low sense of worth. Many girls do not feel good about themselves and are often insecure. We wanted to spend some time talking about what is behind the girl friendship/relationship struggles. We wanted to begin to think about different ways of dealing with conflict, personal insecurity, and hurt feelings. Throughout the assembly, the girls were very much in tune with the content; it was obvious that it is a topic they want to hear/talk about. The interactive nature of the assembly allowed for great discussion and insights. We plan to move forward from this assembly with further action to address this issue.”

I agree with much of what Heather said. In my opinion, this has been one of the best programs yet! Working closely with Heather enabled us to create an event that really fit the needs of the school. I also loved that we presented to ALL of the girls, yet there was continued opportunity to engage with smaller groups. I think together we laid a real foundation for change and I am excited to see how things progress. I applaud Heather too for taking the initiative, for being such a caring School Counselor, and for being such a total joy to work with!

You're Not Invited

2007-10-26T12:32:00.000-07:00

You Are Not Invited

One of my favorite Creative Crossings activities is a piece called You Are Not Invited. The purpose of the activity is to help girls see that they have many options to every problem they may come across. Each character — Amara (the girl having the party); Tamika (the girl stuck in the middle); Victoria (the girl not included); and the Crowd (friends that bear witness — has the power to make the bad situation either worse or better.

Although I teach this activity with finesse and confidence, I recently encountered my own You Are Not Invited scenario. Here's what happened: I attended a Rosh Hashana service at our local temple. It's a gorgeous old building with an abundant lawn and big windows that light up the room. We were eating lunch outside and I was feeling very happy and relaxed.

"This would be a great place to have a party," I said.

"Yes," my friends replied, "Angela (name has been changed) just rented it out for her 50th birthday."

My stomach jumped to my feet. "Angela is having a party? I wasn't invited?" In fact, the mere mention of a party that I am not invited to has the power to instantaneously bring me back to my emotional state in sixth grade.

Rosalind Wiseman in her book Queen Bee Moms and Kingpin Dads says that it is our responsibility to "understand the filters through which we view the world."

Okay, so here's mine. While in sixth grade, my very popular group of friends turned against me. Although they had already made this decision, they pretended to be my friend while talking about me behind my back and plotting ways to bring me pain. Though I intuitively knew that something wasn't quite right, I found out my official new status only because I wasn't invited to a party.
That's a pretty strong filter. And, let's face it, it sucks to not be invited.
However, if I take away my sixth grade popularity and pain filters, this is what I find:
1. I really like Angela. My sadness in not being invited is not about status or wanting to be invited to the "right" party with the "hippest" people. I genuinely like, admire, and respect this woman.
2. Although we are friends and, in fact, she had recently come to a small and intimate dessert party at our house, we are not that close and don't really talk on the phone or spend frequent one-on-one time together. My friend said, "Angela is the most inclusive person I know and also she adores you. I'm sure it was just an oversight."
"Yeah, I know," I say, defying the sixth grade girl that lurks inside me, "I'm over it."
However, the next time I run into Angela, I find myself scrutinizing the interaction with her. Was she a little stand-offish? I run through our recent interactions. Did I cross her? Did I upset her without realizing it? Perhaps she never liked me.
I could feel the pull of wanting to gossip, to gather some people on my side, to think of some reasons why I shouldn't like her. My husband wasn't a willing participant. He said, "Oh good, a party we don't have to go to!" My sister said, "That is a very curious thing, I would just ask her.
I saw Angela again at the Farmer's Market and considered being direct. After all, relational aggression stems from our indirect handling of problems. She was very friendly and warm, as if the big 50th had never happened. I waited for the words to come out, but nothing formed.
As I walked from the market, I realized that asking her would potentially put her in an awkward position. We weren't close enough, I felt, to warrant that direct of a question. There's a good chance that I just wasn't invited to the party — simple as that. Not an oversight. Not out of hatred. It happens! I thought of my You Are Not Invited scenario. I was Victoria — the girl in my scenario who is left out. Just like I teach the girls, there were many actions I could take that would make this situation worse or better.
I am happy to report that I chose the better route. I bear no ill will towards Angela. I hope that our friendship grows deeper and I will make an effort in that direction. I have a genuine fondness for her. If she doesn't respond, I think I'll live! And, more importantly, I haven't resorted to gossip or retaliation. In this case, a sense of empowerment lies in the idea that it is my choice. Rather than someone being mean to me, not inviting me, or taking away my joy, I realize that I can be the one to initiate a more intimate relationship, or to focus on friendships that feel happy and healthy.

Ravenna Grows Up

2007-08-15T07:30:00.000-07:00

Parents experience an enormous sense of loss when their girls enter this new land. They miss the daughters who sang in the kitchen... Fortunately adolescence is time-limited.

Reviving Ophelia: Saving the Selves of Adolescent Girls

Yesterday I was walking through town and ran into Ravenna, a 17-year-old friend of mine who I hadn't seen in a long while. I was struck by how grown-up, confident, and naturally gorgeous she appeared. Her hair was long and straight, her face un-makeupped. We chatted for a while and she told me that she had just gotten back from a three-week writing workshop and that she wants to be a lawyer. I was very impressed, mainly by her ability to articulate so clearly and confidently her goals and desires.

I first met Ravenna when she was a giggly fifth grader and best friends with another girl in the same community. I fell in love with their radiance and silliness — and they were impressed that I actually knew their secret gibberish language — and we soon became buddies.

Ravenna lives with her parents in a co-housing community (the community shares garden space, meets weekly, and eats some meals together in a common house). Her mom is an organic farmer. Her dad, among other things, is learned in folk dancing from around the world.

By the end of sixth grade, Ravenna and her best friend were in a full-on roller-coaster friendship. Ravenna wasn't as popular and had a rough year of it. Her parents decided to send her to the local private school where she fared much better and made many friends.

When she transferred to the local high school, she was a knock-out sensation and instantly popular. Her friends told her that she was so pretty and asked why she didn't wear more makeup. Much to her mother's horror, Ravenna became, for lack of a better description, a Paris Hilton wannabe. She posted some glam pictures on My Space, wore lots of makeup, and dressed to the nines.

I had a long talk with her mom about beauty and what the pressures of high school can do to a girl even if she has grown up with a completely different value system. I remember driving by her once during those years and mistaking her for a woman in her late twenties. It made me sad and nostalgic for the radiant little girl I once knew.

So seeing Ravenna on the street, the thought occurred to me that she had hatched, that she had come full circle. Her parents' value of community service and intellectual pursuit had won out. This is a girl, I thought to myself, that is going to go out in the world and do something grand and majestic. Her confidence and articulateness made me aware of another fact: she seemed to be completely herself — not trying to fit into any narrow girl box. Her natural ease accentuated her beauty and poise. This was heartening and exciting.

Psychoanalyzing Teenagers

2007-03-08T10:38:00.000-08:00

If you have a polite sixth grader, you've got an unhealthy kid

Anna Freud

Yesterday, I attended a lecture at my stepdaughter's school. I was very excited for the topic — Between Doormat and Dominator: What Can You Do as a Parent When You See Healthy Competitiveness Turn Nasty?

Much to my chagrin, we never talked about this topic. Instead, Dr. Campbell launched into a discussion about the latency stage and parents asked questions.

I found it interesting to look at the issue of relational aggression and teenage peer groups from a Freudian point of view. A lot of what he had to say was in alignment with the literature out there on RA, but utilized the old-fashioned-sounding language of regression, ego, and idealization. There were times throughout the lecture when I strongly disagreed with his take on things, so much so that I was cringing in my seat.

Here's my summary of his talk:

The task of the adolescent is to try and get rid of infantile wishes. Rebellion is necessary. Once they complete this stage, they no longer need to rebel and can now see parents for who they are, enabling them to move into the tasks of young adulthood.

They will most likely have some sort of idealization towards members of their peer group or figures they perceive as powerful such as Al Capone. It is best for parents to not interfere with the process of idealization since it is absolutely necessary to a child's later success.

If your child doesn't go through an idealization phase, there may be something seriously wrong with the process. The rebellion should take place towards the primary caregivers, so sending a child to boarding school could be detrimental to that process.

Hormones, during this time, cause them to regress to the age of a two-year-old — emotionally, socially, linguistically, etc. (Just like a two-year-old, saying words like fart or poop would be hysterically funny). Teenagers will have frequent nightmares (though they may not share them with you) just like a two-year-old and will not have the skills to process these dreams.

At the same time that you need to let your child experience idealization, you also must set up limits and guidelines because your child has regressed to the age of a two-year-old — remember?

If you have serious concerns or anxieties about one of your child's friends, your child is probably having the same anxiety, but doesn't know how to express this. Your child will be very angry that you won't let them play with this friend and will rebel, but secretly may be relieved.

Negotiating doesn't work. Say it once and then zip it. If you are feeling that your child is stubborn and not listening, he is most likely feeling the same exact thing about you.

Whatever you say to your 13-year-old, even if ignored, will become a part of them when they are 25. Kids need to know there is family time even if they are not interested. They need to know that you like them and want to be close. Pick your battles. Let them keep a messy room. The bond is strong and stems from the limbic system and will always be there despite the rebellion phase (Scientific American article on mirror neurons). Remember that you will most likely look back upon the teenage years and mourn the loss. Parents can also regress during this time, which leads to power struggles.

A lot of time Relational Aggression has to do with envy. A girl may say something sarcastic like, "let's care a little more about grades." This has to do with envy and perhaps something associated with the father not giving the child enough positives. It would be best for the girl to say, "sorry you are so envious" and then zip it.

As I write these notes, I realize that I agree with more of what Dr. Campbell said than I had at the lecture. I like looking at relational aggression within the framework of the tasks of adolescence. It makes sense.

The parts that conflicted with my belief system are as follows: I believe that there is a tremendous amount of variation in the human experience. Some kids don't rebel (or rebel in a very gentle way) and I don't think that that is immediate cause for alarm or an indicator of future troubles. It does sometimes feel like teenagers regress to a younger age, but I don't believe they regress to the age of two. I know many pre-teens who are smart and introspective as well as those that are silly and immature and many that dance between the two camps. I believe that both media and culture play a role in this as well. For instance, the pre-teen kids I met while volunteering in Nepal,who were working the fields and taking care of younger siblings, did not have much time to giggle at words like poop or fart. These kids seemed old beyond their years.

Finally, I don't think that kids become, later in life, all that they hear at age 13. Thank god for that. Many people I know who have had tough early lives are resilient. They have overcome great odds to be successful and confident people. I just don't think it's quite as cut and dry as Dr.Campbell makes it sound. With that said, the point is well taken that we do need to be careful as to what we say, both positives and negatives, because, rest assured, our teens are listening and taking it in.

Dr. Campbell also mentioned that research has shown that baby boys are more physical and tend to knock things down, while girls are more verbal. I am in the process of reading the book SEE JANE HIT. In this book, the author cites some studies that concluded that girls were just as aggressive as boys, but eventually weren't given as much permission to be physically aggressive due to cultural mores. I'd like to explore this idea in another blog entry. My own personal observations with nieces and nephew are that baby boys do tend to be more naturally aggressive, but which hard and true research to believe? Or should I just believe my own personal experiences?

That's all for now. Thanks for reading.

Thoughts on My Secret Bully

2007-03-08T10:33:00.000-08:00

Thoughts on My Secret Bully
by Peggy Rubens

School Counselors, parents, and mental health therapists celebrated the release of the short story My Secret Bully by Trudy Ludwig. The picture book captured perfectly the plight of a young girl named Monica who is experiencing relational aggression. In the story, Monica’s friend is mean to her over and over again, calling her Mon-ICK-a and excluding her for no apparent reason. Monica is not really sure why and she starts to blame herself.

Although there are many picture books about name calling, bullies, and having the courage to stand up for yourself, this one very specifically captures the hidden nature of relational aggression. When Monica asks her friend why she is mad at her, the friend says, “No. I’m not mad at you. You are just so sensitive about stuff.” For us on the front lines, it gave a starting point to initiate dialogue with a first or second grade classroom. It’s also a great book to recommend to parents.

The book concludes with Monica’s decision to end this unhealthy friendship and move on to new friends and activities — a very sensible solution. However, in my classrooms, some of the students didn’t understand the ending. During the discussion, one first grade girl raised her hand and earnestly explained that the mean girl must have moved away — thus ending the friendship. The class nodded in agreement. I gently explained to her and the class that they weren’t friends because Monica had decided that the friendship didn’t feel healthy.

As I reflected upon it, the girl's response to the ending of the book made sense. Many girls do not feel that the option to end a friendship exists. It is simply not on the menu of ideas available to them. Sure, they can spend some time apart, be “mad” at each other, or gather other friends to be on “their side,” but to really end a friendship in a healthy way is not a readily available option for many girls.

The fact that other classmates are typically involved in a relationally aggressive situation, clouds girls' ability to cleanly and confidently end a friendship. It sounds like a no-brainer from our perspective, but for a girl to be able to end an unhealthy relationship, she would most likely need a huge amount of courage, adult support, and knowledge of relational aggression and the range of available options.

Friendship Roller-coaster

2007-03-01T13:19:00.000-08:00

It is 8 AM on a Monday morning at an Elementary School in the Seattle area. A dozen blue “I’d like to talk to the School Counselor” notes have collected under my door as I don’t work during the latter part of the week. One of these notes catches my eye right away. It is written in black pen, furiously written, so there are holes in parts of it and big black stars. On the front it says: Becky, room 20, grade four. Becky has circled friendship and sad and angry on my list of topics. On the back it says, “THIS IS AN EMERGENCY. I NEED TO TALK TO YOU NOW.” Emergency is underlined. Now is underlined. There is a sad face with tears dripping down. It seems as if a terrible tragedy has befallen Becky, and I make note that I will touch base with her as early as possible.

8:35 the doors open and the students pour in. I stand outside my office, so I can greet them. Becky walks by my door and I motion her discreetly to the side. I say hello and tell her that we can meet during first recess. She looks perplexed for a minute and then says breezily, “Oh, that. We’re friends now.”

This is a typical day in the life of a School Counselor. My students ride on the friendship roller-coaster, experiencing tragic, self-esteem-busting lows and confidence-building highs — sometimes all in the course of a day.

Although I have told them a million times, “I can’t solve your problems for you. I can only give you the tools to solve them yourselves,” the girls think I am magic. I can help the girls (and boys for that matter) solve 90% of their friendship problems within five minutes. How do I do this?

The truth is, I’m not magic. I just know a thing or two about girls and how these conflicts work. Here are some of my tried and true tips:

I try to meet with just two students at once — more than that creates an added pressure for girls to take sides, interrupt, etc. A one-on-one confrontation is much more honest and focused on what’s really going on than a big group encounter. The trick is to figure out intuitively who needs to be there.

The media often focus on the Queen Bee, the girl who is the underground instigator of problems, the Mean Girl. While I have run into my fair share of Queen Bees, I find that, more often than not, the roles in the early elementary grades are not that clearly defined. Sometimes the Queen Bee changes, sometimes there is no clear Queen Bee. If the problem involves an obviously manipulative Queen Bee or a clear case of harassment/bullying, I treat the problem differently, sometimes involving the principal or parents. The majority of problems that I see, though, are roller-coaster ups and downs that can be easily resolved. Part of my bag of tricks is figuring out where along the continuum a particular conflict falls.

Girls need a chance to share their feelings with an adult to guide them along. I have seen visibly irate girls relax within minutes when they get a chance to talk about the problem. (On the playground, this is harder because other friends take sides, muddying the waters.) By guiding them along, we are teaching them valuable problem-solving skills that they can use in the future. There is no need to analyze and dissect the problem for hours — both girls need to share their feelings and what they’d like to happen.

Sometimes they make up right then and there, on the spot. Other times, they are unable to. I think this has something to do with “saving face.” If a problem seems temporarily un-resolvable, I make an agreement with the girls to spend three recesses apart from each other. Nine out of ten times, they make up sometime that day and tell me proudly in the hallway that they don’t need my plan anymore because, well, “we’re friends.”

My mantra is that we cannot make girls be friends with other girls, but being mean is not an option. In some cases, when girls decide to disconnect, we can be a coach and a guide to make this painful transition smoother for all.

Another favorite, I ask the girls what they liked about each other back when they were friends. “She’s nice, she’s funny, I really trust her.” The other girl lights up. She says the same thing back. The problem defuses right away.

Finally, I make an effort to change the language of hate. To me, hate does not adequately describe the friendship roller-coaster. Instead, I use the words Connect, Disconnect, and Reconnect. It’s a lot better to be temporarily disconnected from your friend than to be HATED by someone.

It seems imperative to me that girls learn problem-solving skills early on and well into their teenage years. I think these skills need to be constantly reinforced in a variety of ways from classroom guidance, to school-wide programs, to assemblies, to mother/daughter nights, to programs directed at parents.

It is in this way that our daughters and students can minimize the tragic highs and lows of the roller-coaster, or, better yet, step off altogether.

Peggy Rubens-Ellis is an Elementary School Counselor and runs programs, assemblies, and workshops for girls, mothers/daughters, and teachers. She is available to custom design a program for your community that decreases incidents of harassment between girls. Peggy can be reached at info@creative-crossings.com or via her website www.creative-crossings.com

My mom encounters RA

2007-03-01T11:08:00.000-08:00

My mom has been playing tennis for years. She's strong, competitive, and completely fair. She plays to win, but enjoys after-game chats and connection with her opponents.

Two weeks ago, she was playing doubles on a women's Wednesday night league. Her opponents were losing. After the game, they walked up to my mom's teammates. The opponents said, pointing at my mom and her partner, "Are those women known for cheating?"

The teammates reported this story to my mom and her partner. The partner, irate, walked over to the teammate and started a verbal argument. The "F word" flew back and forth. The last punch of the conversation was when one of the teammates asked my mom's partner if she was married. My mom's partner said, "No." The opponent said, "That makes sense, I can't see anyone ever wanting to be with you." Ouch, what a jab.

My mom, of course, was rather dumbfounded.

Two days later, she was waiting in a car line at a bank. The woman ahead of her was taking a long time. The woman behind her was getting annoyed, honking her horn periodically. Finally, she got out of her car and started screaming at the woman ahead of her. Again the "B word" was flying back and forth.

It seems Relational Aggression (and aggression in general) is alive and well in the community of Delray Beach, Florida.

Not at my School

2007-02-28T21:09:00.000-08:00

Welcome to my blog! I'm so glad you are here. I have been working with girls for over 12 years, and it's always a wonderful, roller-coaster journey. The mission of my small business, Creative Crossings, is to help pre-teen girls cross through adolescence with their self-esteem intact.

I am also an Elementary School Counselor. I strongly believe that my program for girls decreases the incidence of relational aggression in my school and helps girls develop coping skills in handling friendship ups and downs. However, this week we are having troubles — a clear-cut case of relational aggression. I am thinking to myself — WAIT — I'm the expert in Relational Aggression, this stuff isn't supposed to happen in MY school. Yet, happen it did.

Obviously, in keeping with the rules of confidentiality, I can't share the gory details. However, from my perch, I can see the needs of each girl — the harassers, the victims, the fear, the "tough mask." It's easy for me to approach each girl with compassion and understanding. At the same time, we want our school to be safe and it is important to have clear rules and boundaries. Luckily, my principal takes care of that end.

In addition to the girls having consequences, I met with the 5th/6th grade classroom and each table group created their blueprint of an emotionally safe school. I thought it was a very successful way to address the issue as a classroom and give the students a chance to really think about what a "hate free" school might look like/feel like.

It's interesting that one girl can change the school climate in a matter of weeks. Luckily though, the climate of my school is generally peaceful and supportive. Every day I see examples of kindness and helpfulness. More on this later, but my day in the front ranks has left me quite sleepy.