Thursday, January 16, 2014

Parent Coaching and Relational Aggression: Case Study: Part One


Do you have a daughter or son who is experiencing relational aggression or bullying?

Do you need some help and/or ideas to help your child feel empowered?

Is it painful for you to watch your child experience relational aggression?

Are you unsure if you should let your child work it out or intervene?

Does it bring up memories from your past?

Do you feel hopeless?

When a young person experiences relational aggression, the parent can have a variety of feelings, most of them painful.  No one wants their child to feel hurt, lonely, left out and sad.

As an expert in the field of relational aggression and a new parent coach, I started to have a hunch that Parent Coaching could really help parents feel empowered around this topic.   

Enter:   Celia and Elaine (names  and other identifying details have been changed and both mother and daughter have agreed to this blog series--confidentiality is always upheld in my Parent Coaching practice). 

Celia  had a great relationship with her daughter and Celia described a rich and nurturing family life.    However, at school Elaine had been the object of teasing from a group of more popular girls for many years.    She was now about to enter high school as a freshman.   Elaine had developed a thick skin, on the outside, not really caring about the teasing.  She also had a small but tight group of friends that stuck closely together.   Elaine also had a rich life outside of school in competitive horse racing.

Celia's hope for her daughter was that she enter high school open to new friends and experiences.   She also hoped that her daughter would turn to her if things got rough.    She wanted to keep the lines of communication open. 

I thought that working with Celia would be a wonderful chance to see if parent coaching can help parents handle the ups and downs of friendships.  What I found was surprising and delightful and, yes, empowering.    Come along with me as I share our eight session coaching process, one each week.   

Please Note:   In our eight sessions, we focused on other topics too, but I have only included the work we did around this topic.   

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Parent Coaching for Healthy Families!




Is your family healthy and thriving and you want to make sure it stays that way?

Is your child transitioning into a new school or new developmental phase?    

Are you wondering if you are doing it "right'?  

Do you just generally wish you had a cheerleader?

Are you looking for creative ways to honor the passage of time?


These are all reasons that happy and healthy parents and families hire parent coaches.

I think there's a perception that parent coaching is only for parents who have reached the end of their rope.  

I consider myself happy and healthy (depending on how challenging my four year old is being of course).   As part of my training for parent coaching I had three rounds of coaching and I am about to have one more.   Here's what I worked on:

First Series (8 Sessions):   The main issue that I worked on during this coaching series was how I could feel more productive and organized with my days.   It's over a year later and I am STILL using the amazing strategies my coach and I co-created.    This coaching series, in such a simple way, really changed my life and alleviated so much stress.   I now have a great balance between production and relaxation.  

Second Series  (8 Sessions):   During this series I worked on my "date nights" with my husband, moving out of parenting an infant and into having a rich relationship of our own again.    One huge realization that I had during this time was that "date nights" were not fun for us.   Since we live in a small town, we would go out and run into people we know WITH their kids (making us feel like we should have brought ours along), or we'd go somewhere where I knew everyone (the extrovert) and  bobbed around in my usual social butterfly way while my husband sat back and observed.   However, I still felt pressure to have these date nights and "try" to have fun.  In contrast, my husband and I ALWAYS have so much fun when we are exploring something new in the city.  We both love interesting food, music and adventures.    Despite all the experts who say that you should have a date a week to  have a good relationship, we've opted for less dates but higher quality.   This has really worked so much better for us and our relationship is thriving with carefully selected outings to the city.

Third Series (8 Sessions):  During this series I worked on nutrition with my family and with myself.    Having this intention helped me in so many ways, especially cutting down on sugary foods and realizing what I was already doing really well.

Future Coaching Series:      I will be working on several challenges--1.  Balancing extracurricular activities with down time.    2.   Getting some insight on my own feelings of annoyances with my daughter's challenges on making decisions.      3.  Handling a very recent increase in whining.  

Here's a great article about Parent Coaching.   http://people.howstuffworks.com/parenting-coach.htm

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Tuesday, January 7, 2014

Quiet: The Power of Introverts in A World That Can't Stop Talking



I just read this book for my book club.  It made for great conversation and reflected to me how important it is to notice and honor the natural bend of our children.   There is a LOT to think about in this book and almost anyone would benefit from reading it (or even a small part of it).   

As for me,   I am an extrovert with leanings towards introversion.  It's almost as if I am such a whirlwind of extroversion, that I look for places and ways to slow myself down and honor the many quieter parts of myself that get muted.   My husband is an introvert and his slow and quiet way of being in the world is a comfort to me.    I also seek out, what Cain terms, restorative niches.    For me, this is eating lunch alone, traveling alone, or sneaking off for a day in the city, completely anonymous.   

My four year old daughter has parents that model very different ways of being in the world socially. I am not sure if she leans towards introversion or extroversion--I see her as having both of those qualities.   I know that she needs restorative niches and that it takes her a while to enter into group play.    I try to be aware of these needs.    I try to balance lots of activity with down time (though it is hard for me to do this because I am always on the go).  I honor the little nooks she creates for herself around the house, seeing this as a comfort for her rather than a mess I can't wait to clean up.    In other words, being aware of introversion and extroversion can allow us to parent more consciously.   

It can also allow us a better understanding of our children.  For example, my step-daughter is a Senior in college.  Although we have a great relationship,  I have always felt that she is standoffish when we talk on the phone.  She will tell us how busy she is and explain that she can only talk for a certain amount of time.  When we plan a visit, she will first tell us about the things she has to do over the weekend.    This has always hurt my feelings and doesn't seem to match the great enthusiasm and warmth that she has towards us when we are with her.    But after reading this book I realized that she is simply defining her space.  It's important to her, as a more introverted person, to outline her own needs.  This realization has made me feel so much better about my relationship with my wonderful step-daughter.  

I hope you find some wisdom in this book and feel free to report back your own insights!

http://www.thepowerofintroverts.com/


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Creative Crossings. Peggy Rubens-Ellis, M.Ed. Certified Parent Coach: January 2014

Creative Crossings. Peggy Rubens-Ellis, M.Ed. Certified Parent Coach