Girls Leadership Academy

Although related, my two jobs — School Counselor at a large school with a low income, multi-ethnic population and Small Business Owner of Creative Crossings — rarely mix.  When I go to work for my 2 1/2 days, I am unable to talk or think about Creative Crossings.  The minute-to-minute demands are so high-paced.  Also, I've found myself mostly wrapped up in working with boys in need.  Finally, I don't like to promote my business at work.  In fact, most of my colleagues probably have no idea that I have this "other career!"

However, each job informs each other and it would be impossible to keep the two truly separate.  Working at a school and seeing relational aggression up close and personal has made me a better business owner.  The stories I take with me are real.  The girls are girls I know and like and care about.  Likewise, my business ventures help me understand what girls can reach for, the many resources available for girls, and the extent of the problems that girls face in our society today.

It was therefore exciting when we learned that our school qualified for an after-school program which would include time for homework, snack, and activities.  As it turned out, our reading coach, Anne, and myself — both were interested in leading a group for girls.  We decided to merge together and created the Girls Leadership Academy.

Anne and I are about as different as can be and that was one factor that made our group so wonderfully powerful!  Anne is tall and elegant, even the way she speaks is beautiful.  She's the queen of affirmations and positive thinking.  I am short, non-linear, and bursting with creativity.  Anne had the reading coach side to her — always trying to make sure our group participants understood and that our group was outcome-based.  For example, instead of giving them a verbal journal prompt, we would write it on the board, check for understanding, and other classroom-orientated methods that I would probably never have used (but that were helpful).  I have the counseling bent.  Anne had lots of stumbling blocks with family as she was growing up.  I had lots of stumbling blocks with friendship.  We made a wonderful team and grew to respect each other's work immensely.


The biggest personal gift of facilitating this group is how dramatically it differed from the rest of my job.  During the day, I am running around throwing band-aids on problems, never feeling like I get to know the hearts and minds of the students and never feeling like I get to really help them move forward in their lives.  This group afforded me the time to get to know the sixteen students, to catch a little glimpse into their lives — their hopes, their dreams, and their ambitions.  It was delightful.

The group itself was a wonderful mix of ethnicities and circumstances.  Some of the girls were strong leaders already and others were shy and quiet; some were born here, others recently immigrated.  One girl spoke seven languages fluently!

I want to write about this group, so that others may be inspired to start a group of their own.

We used two books to guide our program: The Seven Habits of Highly Effective Teens by Sean Covey and The North Star Girls Group curriculum by Heidi Arizala Showman.  Rather than focus on Relational Aggression, we focused on dreams and, what we called, Dream-stoppers.

The structure of the group was as follows:

A check-in question.  Each girl got a colorful bead for checking in, which they could attach to a string hanging from their journals.

An activity

A journal prompt.  Anne and I would later read them and write the girls back.

A brief closing (we would gather together, throw our hands into the circle, and quote Obama with a big YES WE CAN!).

The first four sessions were very focused on the identification of dreams and what may stop you from getting there.  Girls identified some of their dreams and goals.  We had a Junior President of her class come in to talk to the girls about the things she had overcome in her Elementary years, decorated journals with dream images and affirmations, identified dream-stoppers, and used an experiential blind-folded obstacle course to get a better physical understanding of how one may avoid the obstacles in our paths.  The rest of the group focused on a variety of issues such as health, media images, asserting yourself, etc.

I do so much work on helping open up dialog about relational aggression and decisions we make around friendships — all important stuff, but the bent of this group was on dreams and hopes.  In that way, relational aggression was more of a peripheral issue, something that gets in the way of life ambitions.  I found it refreshing to have this focus and I hope to move more towards this positive-thinking direction in my own career and in my own personal life.

Both Anne and I hope we get the chance to expand the group, offering a sleepover and availability to more young woman.

Thanks Anne and girls for a wonderful group!

Top Ten Tips for Families Dealing with Relational Aggression

For an article in Seattle Women's Magazine, the writer asked me for my top ten list for parents. Here it is!

PEGGY’S TOP TEN TIPS FOR FAMILIES DEALING WITH RELATIONAL AGGRESSION
Please keep in mind that these tips are for the majority of relational aggression incidents occurring at the elementary and middle levels, including shifting alliances, rumors, gossip, hurt feelings, being left out, someone telling your child who they can or can’t be friends with, etc.  If the Relational Aggression is taken a step further and your daughter is the target of constant bullying and/or destructive acts of violence, contact the Police or the School Administrators.

1. Walk the fine line between listening, supporting, and giving your daughter ideas as to how to handle the situation, while at the same time let her own the problem.  (In other words, don’t call the other family, don’t threaten the child, don’t let your own hurt feelings rule.  Although this may be your natural response, it is usually not helpful and often makes the situation worse.)

2. Although it may seem trivial to you, understand that for your daughter, this situation probably feels huge and overwhelming.  Try to guess how she may be feeling: left out, sad, rejected, etc.  At the same time, respect the fact that your daughter may not want to talk about this with you.  It’s also helpful to build up her support system, so there are several adult females in her life (Aunts, Grandparents, Friends, etc.) that she can turn to in times of need.

3. Create a safe place at home—this may be your daughter’s sanctuary when the rest of her life isn’t feeling so great.  This may include time spent alone with your daughter, NOT talking about friends (giving her a break), fun family time, and also watching out for your own use of Relational Aggression.  Your daughter is listening to you.

4. Likewise, be careful about media—text messages and social networking sites.  Most experts recommend that computers be in public places in the house.  If your daughter is being cyber-bullied, print it out and bring it to the School Counselor or School Administrators.

5. Encourage your daughter to have other friends or activities that do not include school friends.  Jodee Blano, the author of Please, Stop Laughing at Us, uses the mantra—One Town Over.

6. Use the school as an ally.  It isn’t okay for a school to say—“that’s just how girls are.”  Relational Aggression is a form of bullying and schools have to address both bullying and harassment incidents.  However, often it is difficult to figure out what is really going on with Relational Aggression because it is so covert.  Don’t blame the school, but do get them on board.  School Counselors can work wonders in helping to ease the tension.

7. Be open to the fact that your child may be less innocent than you think.  Often the relational aggression is a little more two-sided than it initially appears.  Remember, that all the girls are learning about relationships and there is a lot of pressure on girls to make hurtful choices.  If your child makes a poor choice, use it as a learning tool.

8. Read Odd Girl Out by Rachel Simmons (for adults) and My Secret Bully by Trudy Ludwig (for girls ages 1st-6th grade).  There are also many other books and websites that address this issue, including my website/blog www.creative-crossings.com

9. Help your daughter find more positive empowering outlets—such as helping others, volunteering, or engaging in activities for girls such as Passages Northwest outdoor programs, Powerful Voices, Girls on the Run, Creative Crossings mother/daughter events.  Or start a mom/daughter book club.  There are a lot of programs out there that support girls in positive ways and many of them offer scholarships.

10. Don’t buy into the idea that this is just what girls do.  Create some family rules early on about being nice to each other.  For example, “In our family, we play with everyone.”  If your child has a birthday party, be careful about how they hand out invitations.